31 May, 2009

“A cheerful frame of mind, reinforced by relaxation... is the medicine that puts all ghosts of fear on the run.”

After having four jalebies, a dozen multicolored sugar balls, a number of acerbic pani puries and a large glass of coke, I think now I am in the right state of mind to put pen to paper with absolute surety that nothing gloomy would produce itself on the paper. Providing that detail only signifies how, for some people, it takes a little effort from their side to put them in that ‘feel good’ frame of mind where as for some others this feeling-good attribute comes naturally--so damn naturally that I can’t help but wonder! However, that doesn’t prove anything. Especially not the fallacious detail that life is unfair for some of us. I think we all should make a conscious attempt in order to feel good, because after all is said and done, after all the dark soul searching and self-analysis, it’s just happiness that we want for ourselves and others, no matter how much some of us may deny. So here's my blog-readers' share of multicolored sugar balls, wolf down peeps!

30 May, 2009

“No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.”

I believe I am the worst person on the face of this planet when it comes to parenting. Yeah I know, I am not a parent yet, but I do have parental responsibilities which I owe to my twelve year old sisters--who, being motherless, are obviously dependent on me for everything; big or small. What makes me a bad caregiver is that I am still in the process of discovering myself and I have a lot of shortcomings, as described in the previous post. I have self imposed boundaries which do not let me do what I want to do. I hate going out to parties and weddings or even normal shopping, I hate meeting people, and I am a case of paranoia. I care too much about what people may think, I have a dark and cloudy inner self and above all I am a victim of mood-swings. I am always served cold and impatient towards children who like being what they are, i.e. children. Now, all these shallow attributes of my being have made me realize that this may be the way I want to live my life; confined at home, not wanting to go out and meet new people, but this surely is not how my sisters would want to live their lives. And I think my sisters have made it quite evident now that they fall under the category of normal out-going people who’d love to hangout and go to parties, mosques and mall-ing for the heck of it. Irony is I can’t let them go on their own; because as I mentioned, they are just twelve, so I have to stick along -- something which I would resist to imply from every possible direction, unless there is absolutely no way out. And even in cases like that when none of my excuses would work then I’d just make such a fuss out of the whole thing that their sweet little hearts--demanding something very genuine--would die before their wish would materialize.

The point, however, is that I don’t want to be this. This monster who is spoiling their lives. I don’t want to spoil mine either. I have all the freedom in the world to go anywhere and everywhere I want to. I have all the money in the world to use it on anything and everything (okay may be that’s an exaggeration -- dad won’t buy me an MacBook =/ ) and now, since I have a long vacations worth two and a half months, I even have all the time in the world to go out and have fun, but sadly I don’t! I just remain selfishly settled in my own little comfort zone and would refuse to trade it with anything. I think I am just ignoring the concrete little fact that one of the reasons why I didn’t sign up for any sort of internship for this summer break was because I decided that I wanted to spend time with my family and I wanted to give all my time to my two sisters who yearn for it badly. What is keeping me from doing what is required of me to do? I think THIS is absolutely what I meant when I first termed the expression “SELF-IMPOSED-BOUNDERIES”.

I promised my sisters that I would take them to this recreational center today where they could signup for art classes conducted this summer, but I didn’t go. I promised them I would pick up their clothes from the tailor, but I didn’t go. I promised them I would go for swimming with them, but I sent them alone when all the while I sat at home doing nothing that was worth doing. I am sick of coming up with new excuses everyday. Sick of running away from facing the world!

To mom: I hate the fact that strangers get all my love and people around me are stuck up with me and my some crappy limitations theory which doesn’t even exist. I will work this out, I promise I will.

28 May, 2009

"Observe all men; thy self most"

I was telling this friend of mine today about how I feel that I have somehow created these unseen 'self imposed boundaries' around myself which refrains me from doing certain thing(s). Boundaries which do not allow me to liberate myself, boundaries which have no material form or addresser, these are just in my mind and I somehow try to find a material cause of these boundaries, just so that I have something to put the blame on. The friend didn’t seem to understand what I meant, but I am sure there is something quite abnormal going on within me and I swear I need to address it to myself; I really need to understand what is wrong! So for that I’ve thought of tracing my own past. I’ll share the little I recall of my behavior in the form of incidents and I’ll leave it on the readers to decide for what they think about it.

Incident number one: Quite a number of years ago when me and family used to live in our old apartment, that’s when I and my other two siblings i.e. my eldest sister and my brother shared one room (don’t freak out, we were just children then). So, this room had two single beds which were joined together to make one double bed so that all three of us could easily fit on it. My brother slept on one side of the bed and my sister on the other where as I occupied the middle portion. Now, from what I can recall, I always squeezed myself inside the tiny bent portion which is acquired by joining two single beds. It was actually a piece of wood on which I used to sleep. My sister would ask me to move in on her side of the bed (there was plenty of soft mattress for me, I assure you all) but I would just remain there on the hard wood instead of the soft mattress. Why though is the question! Who likes to sleep on the piece of a log anyway?

Incident number two: I go to the university in a van. One day when I was picked up from my point, there was just one seat which was left to be occupied in the entire coaster so I took that seat and settled myself on it. After a while the van stopped in front of a girl’s house who apparently travelled in the same van as me but I certainly didn’t know her. She approached the van and scanned it to spot a vacant seat which was obviously not there. In cases like that, what the subject or the ‘victim-of-no-seat’ is supposed to do is to sit on the only vacant hard base place where everyone keeps their bags and stuff. Well, while that girl was deciding what to do, I removed the bags from that hard base and situated myself on that rock hard and uncomfortable area leaving my cushion like soft seat for that girl whom I didn’t even know.

Incident number three: It’s like 42 degrees centigrade in Karachi these days. The human meat can literally cook at this temperature (or may be that’s an exaggeration) but here’s the smart me who turns off the fan and locks herself in the room when she is angry and mad at something or someone. I mean who in the world does that? When no one is looking at you why would you want do that? I’d totally understand that kind of behavior as a response of your anger if “there is” someone who is watching you. Like people do go on food strike and stuff like that but that’s a protesting behavior. Here I'm in no way protesting (I think), or if I am, then who am I protesting to? I mean I'm shutting down the fan, okay no big deal, but shutting down the only cool thing in such a weather, knowing that no one is watching you is freaky! WHY THE HELL WOULD SOMEONE DO SUCH A THING?

Incident number four: I recall my childhood days when I and my elder sister used to play teacher-teacher with each other. She always wanted to become the teacher so I would tell her that I’d let her be the teacher only If she promises me that she’ll become a tough teacher who would punish her students, hits them hard and indulge in giving very strict punishments. I, for that matter would become the student on who she would have to practice her cruelty. She would refuse to do such a thing on my face and I’d declare that I am not playing if she refuses to be tough on me.

All of the above incidents have one common feature and that is the fact that I’ve been hard on myself. Why is that so? Why do I give up on my comfortable seat for some XYZ person and accept the pain in my butt as my fate? Why did I sleep on the piece of a wood when I had the remainder of the bed available for me? Why do I make myself sweat and dehydrate when I am provided with an air-conditioner in my room? Why did I want my sister to be tough on me in this game we were to play, when I would always hit her back in all the fights which we had in real life scenario (apart from the game)?

Am I one of those people who’d like to constantly indulge in self-pity? Or did I do all of the above to gain attention of who-so-ever?! Do I actually like being in pain? Or is it that I value that smooth light-headed effect which comes after the pain -- and that acts as a reason for me to want to be in pain?
"There's a lot of fear connected with the inner journey because it penetrates our illusions. Taking the inner journey will lead you into some very shadowy places. You're going to learn things about yourself that you'll wish you didn't know. There are monsters in there—monsters you can't control—but trying to keep them hidden will only give them greater power."

24 May, 2009

So what, I'm still a rock star...

Alright guys, lets drag a brand new attitude and get that *bling*bling* party on! Heck with the moaning and groaning over what’s not in the world, whose corrupt and blah blah! Let’s just enjoy for a change, with little stuff that we have in our hands! Like for instance, American Idol *Grin*. For people who are wondering what has go into me, I’d say I’m high - Over the sky – not wanting to come down! And the good part is that there is no reason behind me flying high! Had there been a material or even a non-material reason, I would’ve soon landed on the ground! And this time, I’m not getting down. Na.. Na.. Anyway, whoever wants to get into this party mood along with me should listen to this track by Pink, It's called ‘So What’ and this is the tenth time that I am listening to it! Scream along people…

So, so what, I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't need you
And guess what, I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright, I'm just fine and you're a fool
So, so what, I am a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't want you tonight

Those who followed American Idol’s eight season would be surprised, amazed, or may be disappointed that Kris Allen took the title away. Personally, I am very happy with America’s choice, I wanted Kris to win deep down, though I didn’t want Adam to loose either. One of the reasons Adam didn’t get enough votes could be that he is a gay guy, how many of you think this is a plausible reason? Besides, what’s shocking is that I just got to know it today that Kris is married. I mean he is 23, American, and Married? Are u kidding me? Tip-off: I’m inclined towards appreciation, of course =p

Competitions like American Idol has proved time and again that America; although has problems with a whole lot of stuff, leme highlight its *governmental intervention* in every nations business, yet I am compelled to say that her people and institutions are by far the most well-reared people who demonstrate the greatest quality of professionalism that we can't have anywhere else in the world. Or am I carried away? could it be that they only market themselves to be this way and aren't what I think they are? Well, this again makes them genius! I’ll call them the ‘closest-to-perfect’ imitators of perfection! Congratulations Kris Allen, Now that you are an Idol, I think you’ve enveloped your finances to get a baby for yourself ;-) so Good Luck!

Tracks I’m listening to:
~So what by Pink
~Just chill by John Young
~If I were a boy by Beyonce
~1,2,3,4, by Plain White
~Right now by Akon
~Give a little bit by Goo Goo Dolls
~Gives you hell by All American Rejects
~I’m yours by Jason Marz

22 May, 2009

Unlimited Desires Burning In A World That Constantly Limits...

Time to produce another episode of bull-crap! (Oh yeah!) And do not get offended people, even bull-crap is holy, after all, it’s obtained from a source which appears quite a living being in nature, and as you all would have experienced time and again for how well do we; the-resource-hogging-global-warmers A.K.A. ‘humanitarians’, value life and living creature Ha! (Couldn’t resist the gag- sorry lol) Anyway people, don’t care to extract too much sense out of all this; I’m guessing I had a little too much to swallow the other night, which is why I’m daring to be myself. Unknowingly off course! So please, spare me any charges against this act, it won’t happen again—I assure you!

WHAT?!? Did I hear you say that being ones-self is ‘not’ an act to be punished for? Why?! Oh you say, because we live in a world which has established at least this much freedom over the years -- on the basis of the fact that human beings are born free and hence it is their right to express themselves, be their selves and do-as-they-please, unless it doesn’t harm another’s liberty! [*Snort* I need to go spit somewhere! The distaste brought to my tongue while repeating such a phony thought is unbearable!]

There was this child I know, who was having a mini group party in his school-break with his friends, which means that a few friends gathered and brought different eatables for each other and munched in the prescribed break time, just laughing and trying to have a good time, and suddenly the principle emerges from nowhere and publically humiliates them all for having a planned lunch together without the permission of any teacher! Lol I was so shocked to hear this stuff, I mean look at this! Just when a child should be taught about the sharing and caring culture, what we do is pull down their self-esteem and cripple them to an extent where they can’t even do anything as little as gather and have a good time. Follow another incident; with this other child whose entire class was prohibited to go for lunch break for an entire week due to the fact that they were making noise in the “games” period! I mean God help me! What the heck is up with the world? You can’t just do anything at all. I mean, when are the children supposed to be children?

“Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.” -Hans Christian Andersen

06 May, 2009

“A society that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both”.

Is there any relationship between bad weather and people’s attitude? I mean really there is got to be one! So that I’ve got a little hope to clung upon, hope that says ‘its temporary honey, it will pass’. Like seriously, People in this part of the world are acting weird! Or could it be that they were always like this? And it’s me who has realized it now? It’s hard to narrate a feeling but honestly all I have noticed people doing in the past two weeks is: impose their wills, limit others freedom, loose self-control, carry egoistic bitchiness and use their physical attributes as their swords.

The other day, my university classmates got into this severe ‘bad-mouthing’ each other. Reason being that the rebels of the class protested against the monarch Class Representative (CR) and his absolute ruling. I mean, he was a democratically elected CR and the opposition had a right to call for referendum but by God, I will never forget the dire consequences of practicing ones lawful right. Thankfully, I made my way in the audience (or may be I’m being a bit dishonest here) but still my life is not threatened. However, saying from what I observed that day -- an ordinary average person who goes by the books, doesn’t suck up to people, minds his own business in times of peace and stands up for his rights in times of war is always crushed and crunched. What an Irony!

Ever heard of the expression; ‘Survival of the fittest?’ If we don’t go into the actual theory behind it and take the literal meaning out of this phrase, then we will realize how much truth it unveils. In all seriousness, only the fittest is surviving; others are merely existing, though the criterion of being ‘fit’ varies from society to society. And then, the criterion varies from place to place as well, like from work place to universities to residential areas; however, a general standard condition of being ‘fit-to-survive’ in Karachi amounts to having the following:

1. Affiliation with the currently ruling political party or dominant opposing party. (Do you sweep the floor in one of the senator’s house? Woah! lucky, you are safe)

2. An elongated list of ‘contacts’ or strong Personal Relations (PR)--as they like it to be called, although I'd prefer to call it ‘sucking up!’ (Sweepers, lab assistants, gatekeepers and the like are equally eligible to have their share in your list of contacts)

3. Good command over the use of abusive language. (Preferably English) *An amazing fact* [just last night while I was in the market, I heard a drifting beggar use the word ‘Compromise’ while talking to his mate! Afterall thats how you climb social leaders in a society that's suffering from identity crisis]

4. Fully developed body parts. *I’m not kidding* (Chances are that your opponent; who as all the other Pakistani citizens is an intense consumer of visual media, will get intimidated by your body and you’d have a higher hand in the battle)

So, wouldn't it be right to say that may be humans act inhuman cause of ill structured societies? Or may be societies are pitiable creations in the first place. May be Jean Jacques Rousseau was right when he said; Humans are inherently good—but it is the society that corrupts.