“No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.”

I believe I am the worst person on the face of this planet when it comes to parenting. Yeah I know, I am not a parent yet, but I do have parental responsibilities which I owe to my twelve year old sisters--who, being motherless, are obviously dependent on me for everything; big or small. What makes me a bad caregiver is that I am still in the process of discovering myself and I have a lot of shortcomings, as described in the previous post. I have self imposed boundaries which do not let me do what I want to do. I hate going out to parties and weddings or even normal shopping, I hate meeting people, and I am a case of paranoia. I care too much about what people may think, I have a dark and cloudy inner self and above all I am a victim of mood-swings. I am always served cold and impatient towards children who like being what they are, i.e. children. Now, all these shallow attributes of my being have made me realize that this may be the way I want to live my life; confined at home, not wanting to go out and meet new people, but this surely is not how my sisters would want to live their lives. And I think my sisters have made it quite evident now that they fall under the category of normal out-going people who’d love to hangout and go to parties, mosques and mall-ing for the heck of it. Irony is I can’t let them go on their own; because as I mentioned, they are just twelve, so I have to stick along -- something which I would resist to imply from every possible direction, unless there is absolutely no way out. And even in cases like that when none of my excuses would work then I’d just make such a fuss out of the whole thing that their sweet little hearts--demanding something very genuine--would die before their wish would materialize.

The point, however, is that I don’t want to be this. This monster who is spoiling their lives. I don’t want to spoil mine either. I have all the freedom in the world to go anywhere and everywhere I want to. I have all the money in the world to use it on anything and everything (okay may be that’s an exaggeration -- dad won’t buy me an MacBook =/ ) and now, since I have a long vacations worth two and a half months, I even have all the time in the world to go out and have fun, but sadly I don’t! I just remain selfishly settled in my own little comfort zone and would refuse to trade it with anything. I think I am just ignoring the concrete little fact that one of the reasons why I didn’t sign up for any sort of internship for this summer break was because I decided that I wanted to spend time with my family and I wanted to give all my time to my two sisters who yearn for it badly. What is keeping me from doing what is required of me to do? I think THIS is absolutely what I meant when I first termed the expression “SELF-IMPOSED-BOUNDERIES”.

I promised my sisters that I would take them to this recreational center today where they could signup for art classes conducted this summer, but I didn’t go. I promised them I would pick up their clothes from the tailor, but I didn’t go. I promised them I would go for swimming with them, but I sent them alone when all the while I sat at home doing nothing that was worth doing. I am sick of coming up with new excuses everyday. Sick of running away from facing the world!

To mom: I hate the fact that strangers get all my love and people around me are stuck up with me and my some crappy limitations theory which doesn’t even exist. I will work this out, I promise I will.