30 May, 2009

“No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.”

I believe I am the worst person on the face of this planet when it comes to parenting. Yeah I know, I am not a parent yet, but I do have parental responsibilities which I owe to my twelve year old sisters--who, being motherless, are obviously dependent on me for everything; big or small. What makes me a bad caregiver is that I am still in the process of discovering myself and I have a lot of shortcomings, as described in the previous post. I have self imposed boundaries which do not let me do what I want to do. I hate going out to parties and weddings or even normal shopping, I hate meeting people, and I am a case of paranoia. I care too much about what people may think, I have a dark and cloudy inner self and above all I am a victim of mood-swings. I am always served cold and impatient towards children who like being what they are, i.e. children. Now, all these shallow attributes of my being have made me realize that this may be the way I want to live my life; confined at home, not wanting to go out and meet new people, but this surely is not how my sisters would want to live their lives. And I think my sisters have made it quite evident now that they fall under the category of normal out-going people who’d love to hangout and go to parties, mosques and mall-ing for the heck of it. Irony is I can’t let them go on their own; because as I mentioned, they are just twelve, so I have to stick along -- something which I would resist to imply from every possible direction, unless there is absolutely no way out. And even in cases like that when none of my excuses would work then I’d just make such a fuss out of the whole thing that their sweet little hearts--demanding something very genuine--would die before their wish would materialize.

The point, however, is that I don’t want to be this. This monster who is spoiling their lives. I don’t want to spoil mine either. I have all the freedom in the world to go anywhere and everywhere I want to. I have all the money in the world to use it on anything and everything (okay may be that’s an exaggeration -- dad won’t buy me an MacBook =/ ) and now, since I have a long vacations worth two and a half months, I even have all the time in the world to go out and have fun, but sadly I don’t! I just remain selfishly settled in my own little comfort zone and would refuse to trade it with anything. I think I am just ignoring the concrete little fact that one of the reasons why I didn’t sign up for any sort of internship for this summer break was because I decided that I wanted to spend time with my family and I wanted to give all my time to my two sisters who yearn for it badly. What is keeping me from doing what is required of me to do? I think THIS is absolutely what I meant when I first termed the expression “SELF-IMPOSED-BOUNDERIES”.

I promised my sisters that I would take them to this recreational center today where they could signup for art classes conducted this summer, but I didn’t go. I promised them I would pick up their clothes from the tailor, but I didn’t go. I promised them I would go for swimming with them, but I sent them alone when all the while I sat at home doing nothing that was worth doing. I am sick of coming up with new excuses everyday. Sick of running away from facing the world!

To mom: I hate the fact that strangers get all my love and people around me are stuck up with me and my some crappy limitations theory which doesn’t even exist. I will work this out, I promise I will.


Blogger Adisha said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your mother, and your inner conflict and I'm feel for your sisters.

As long as you know there's someone dependent on you, who needs you, AND you're willing to work on the issues that are currently holding you back, I'm sure it'll get better.

I can understand it must be really hard at times, but then sometimes life is about more than yourself !! It's not just you, but two others who are dependent on you for their wholesome upbringing. I'm sure you do not want to stunt their growth and have them turn into you ( the parts that you yourself are not comfy with ).

But I'm sure no matter where your mother is right now, she's proud of who you are and encourages you on in your struggle to become a better role model ! :)

Take care dear ... Believe in yourself !! Hope and Faith will keep you going ...

9:37 AM  
Blogger The Survivor said...

First of all, don't be so hard on yourself after all you are a human being too.

There are many people who know what they are suppose to do and they still don't do it. Still you are aware and even fulfill your responsibilities, feel proud about that.

Don't suppress your desires of what you want from life, live them and feel the difference. Don't fall prey to your fears.

Face them and you will realize that there was nothing to fear in the first place.

I am sure, you will overcome it :)

5:52 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

how can you go on after this, i cry my self to sleep every night in fear of facing it.

i would seriously be impaired if some thing happened to my mom..

and i hate AKU, they refused to treat my dadi.. telling my dad that she is too old for another bypass operation..

11:46 PM  
Blogger Zainab Dhanji said...

@ Adisha & @The Survivor: thank you so much for all your kind words and honestly understanding as well as prodding me out of it. I really appreciate all that =) I am sure the latest post will make u guys happy =)

@ Ali: We all move on somehow or the other. And well, AKU is the reason I'm motherless today. Read this and u will know


12:43 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

you have lot of courage, i have nothing to say.. as words merely are at loss at a time like this...
gl hf

1:10 AM  
Blogger Keshi said...

sorry darl I cant comment cos Im crying!



11:22 AM  
Blogger Rahul Bhatnagar said...

I’m really very sorry to hear about your mother. Now I understand why you seemed so concerned about me taking people for granted.

You know, you must be real brave to introspect yourself in such a deep way, and embrace your faults like this. And don’t think that people around you don’t get your love, in fact they get a lot more than you think, the fact that you’re willing to change for your sisters proves it. You don’t love people by doing things that come naturally to you, you love them by doing things that don’t.

Wherever your mom is she must be very proud.

12:46 PM  
Blogger KJ786 said...

ok crying again!
Don't be so hard on yourself -- im a mother and i do those things all the time! I am definitley the monster that is ruining their lives. SO its not you, its the parenting job - especially one you didn't ask or plan for.

Take it one day at a time - you really will figure it out, its a process--- lots of hugs...

12:03 PM  

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