"Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest”

I don’t know why human beings are tuned by default to opt for happiness and maintain a happy disposition. Why is it so necessary to be happy? Why are we required to choose pleasure instead of pain? Honestly speaking, pleasure is so temporary and brief that it can’t be trusted. Pleasure and happiness makes you dependent on it, you are composed and poised just till the time you possess the means which are the provider of sufficient happiness. In other words, you don’t have any control, all the control is with that medium or person who provides you happiness. You on the other hand are descending to the lowest abyss to trade in happiness for yourself. It’s almost like surviving on somebody else’s living. How pathetic, and all that for something they call ‘happiness’, I don’t think it’s worth the buy. Firstly its pure selfishness, second it’s too dependent, thirdly it’s temporary hence hurtful. So basically people who opt for happiness - although at someone else’s expense - also get to meet pain on their way. So let me get this straight, when you run after someone who makes you happy, you are doing the following:

1. Being too selfish about what you want, and your own happiness.
2. Living on somebody else’s kindness.
3. Making yourself miserable by giving out your love (because that makes you happy) to someone who doesn’t require it.

One sided relationships are like this. You run after and chase those people who make you happy. You get excited, you want to do everything for them, with them, to them, and you want to share everything you have with them, everything you do with them, everything you feel with them. And in all that, you fail to consider that the person you are chasing is not interested, so your excitements can irritate them, your dreams are a burden they don’t wish to carry (and should not carry), your chase annoys them, and the only reason they are resisting their urge to put you off is because they have innate tendencies to remain kind. They don’t want suffering for you (or anybody else in the world), so they are being as selfless as it’s in their power to be, they are being tolerant and patient with you because they are happy that they can help someone from being miserable, what pure acts of altruism, and on the other hand, what is that person declaring his love doing? Involving in utter selfishness! I think kind people deserve better. Way better! and I think people who run after other people looking for love should be shot to death, because their obsessions, passions, aspirations for one particular person is not reason enough for the other person to like them as well. People who cut their wrists because they love someone who doesnt love back are the lamest people on earth because their love is not needed, if they are offering it, too bad, but it’s not required and it’s NOT that other person’s fault.

This post is for those people... people who give their love to someone because that person makes them happy. I need to tell these people to stop it right away. One sided love is a synonym to being selfish. I ask you, oh people, to stop trying too hard to make yourself happy. Happiness is an illusion, pain is reality, once you accept it, you will find it easier, to live alone, and not be dependent on someone else’s kindness. Being lonely is not that hard. I beg you, oh selfish people, to let go of those kind people whom you care about, because that is best for them. For yourself, being alone and painful is the best option.

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self, so therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.” - Khalil Jibran

P.S.: People who are interested in reading more about Pain and pleasure should read Paulo Coelho’s “Eleven Minutes”. This book has perspective changing tendencies.

What is ordinary for half of the world is something that I long for

I was on twitter today, viewing random pictures, and I want time to capture my instant thoughts as I viewed this picture, because my unprompted impulsive thoughts represent something. It represents my present, and that of many other people who live in these developing countries like me, and compromise on a day to day basis. We have nothing but dreams and hopes, for a better tommororw.

And this is what i thought as I saw the picture:

I too want to see bullet trains out of my window. I too want to walk on clean roads and breathe dirt free air. I too want a life free of people peeping out at whatever you do. I too want to wander on the streets at night and not be afraid of being shot. I too want all that freedom which would enable me to use my own two eyes, my own hands and feet - whatever way I want. Is that too much to ask?

You should add a new rule to your rule book: Respect what your elders say and learn to accept what they say, without making them say it over and over again.

Last night as I read these words on my phone, I realized how we all have grown up listening to these kind of statements and conventions all our lives. Since day one you are told, Listen to your elders, Accept whatever they say, do not argue or try convincing them to change their minds, they know better, they know what’s good for you and what’s not. Well honestly speaking, tell me how many of you agree? It really wasn’t a conscious attempt but my mind couldn’t resist the urge to rationally challenge this convention’s authenticity. Forgive me if I am doing anything against the specified moral codes, but I can’t help it. The philosophies to which our society subscribes must be tested and dependable. If it’s going to be just another product of human conformity, than I am sorry, but I beg to differ.

As a matter of fact, nobody knows what’s better for someone; nobody knows if it’s good for me to marry that guy, that family, that business man and a man of so and so specification, in fact nobody even knows if it’s good for me to marry at all! (Don’t freak out, I’m using marriage just an example). Older people use their experience-knowledge to combat this uncertainty, but you know what, it isn’t of much help. I believe in the individualistic school of thought. I believe that every individual is different from the other to such a degree that we cannot go into generalizing things. More than making it simpler, it complicates matters in the long run.

Without any more drifting away from what I intend to say, here I go, declaring it - plain and simple. “I do not think that this rule of accepting whatever elders say is an appropriate one”. Had I accepted everything my elders told me to do, I would have never ended up in a college which taught be so much, I would have never gotten to know the best person living on this planet (my teacher), and I would have never been able to discover so much that I have discovered now. My Mamo, who lives in UAE now, was a rebel case in his childhood. He so wanted to go study in America that he applied to the university silently, applied for visa and everything on his own, and then begged on his knees to his father to let go of him, cause he won’t let him! And this I’m talking about is 30 years ago when children in this part of the world couldn’t even think of breaking a general conversation with their fathers, and weren’t supposed to have an opinion. Today, out of my nana’s three sons, the one who is doing “the best” is my mamo who chose to rebel. He knew that he knew better, because its not possible for anybody else to know what is better for him. He is at one of the most respectable position today, supporting his whole family. He drives a freaking awesome Ferrari, and hasn’t deviated a tad from his religion, values, and morals, as was expected of him when he left for America.

So, If you are reading this, I want to tell you that trying to convince elders is not that I am not respecting them. I respect you, and you know that, I care for you, and you know that, but is it always going to be this way? Will you always consider yourself as someone twenty years elder than me, and so all I say is trash and all you say is to be accepted as it is just because you are elder than I am? That’s unfair, you know it! Had I accepted your disagreement on the idea of communicating after my days at that place were done, had I not convinced you, we would have never gotten to know each other today. Boundaries.. what good do they do? What good are they capable of doing? You have made the last two years bearable for me, you have kept me moving on daily basis, you are the one who has kept me standing on this ground. You know it all so well! but i'll tell you, limitations and rules are the bridges which will only take us half way there, we will make discoveries and spend a time of our lives, we will be capable of laughing and crying together, we will unveil alot more than we ever expected out of each other, but these bridges will only take us halfway there. The last few steps are to be taken alone. These steps are a war against conventions, against the generalization of what is possible, against the impossibility of the idea of what is possible!

“Everything is simpler than you think and at the same time more complex than you imagine”

Relationships are complicated, because human beings are complicated and there is no way we can stop them from being what they are, that is, complicated. Speaking for myself, I am a concrete example of what I’m talking about. Twisted, Self-contradictory, and absolutely abnormal; yeah that’s me. Let’s not forget here that there actually is a school of thought which believes that the only people who are normal are the ones you don’t know about! So basically, we all are abnormal in our sweet ways. Well that was just for self defense, coming back to relationships; I have no idea where to start from. Okay, May be we can discuss what happened yesterday. Well I left her three good text messages starting from 2 in the afternoon and stopping at 9 at night however I didn’t get an answer. This is pretty unusual, because she always answers. So I was basically getting anxiety attacks, and dude I couldn’t take my mind off her. But you know what; it’s not about HER NOT ANSWERING ME! Or maybe it is, but I really do want to give her the personal space she is used to of having, I don’t want her to feel bound to answer all the time when she doesn’t feel like it, I don’t want to seize her freedom of whatever she wants to do. I don’t want her to want me, I want her to WANT to WANT me! Eh? Confused, Okay, let me put in a better way, see I could have called her up anytime yesterday and could have made sure if everything is fine and all, but I didn’t do that, because I don’t want to bother her or make her think something like ‘Oh next time I better reply either I want to or not, or else this little irritating creature would call me up and I will have to bear listening to her unstoppable mushy talks’.

Well ok I admit she won’t think anything like that, she’s been very nice to me all this time and the truth is that THIS is what I am afraid of. I don’t want to take advantage of her consideration, I want to be happy with whatever part of her is with me at this moment, but then, there are my beliefs, the schools of thoughts I believe in, and I believe in reciprocity, I want to return what she has given to me time and again, which includes support, happiness, meaning, compassion, advice, guidance, suggestion and all that stuff, but for that I need to know when she wants that, I need to KNOW and she would never tell me anything. When I need support I tell her, I plainly tell her what went wrong and how I mishandled, how I was hurt, how someone did this or that to me, but she would never tell me anything. I try digging in every day, every single day I ask her to tell me how her day was but every day the answer is just fine or busy or okay. I can’t assume when she had a bad day and needs consolation, I can’t assume when to support her, I can’t assume when to be there for her, unless she tells me and she wouldn’t. I thought that asking was a good option but you know, it’s not a good option. Ever filled a questionnaire about anything? People who have would know, how direct questions do not help and besides it can really irritate the hell out of the other person, and I am in no position to cause any sort of irritation here, I already am a very irritating person by default.

Sometimes I just wonder if this is the person I wanted to be. Well, I don’t think so! I am the person who used to call my sister an Emotional fool every time she appeared emotionally inclined towards something or someone, I am the person who would never cry in public or show myself as a weaker body, I am the person who would never tell people I love them, I would never utter those words, not to my own mother as well, cause that makes me appear weak, vulnerable, and emotional. I preferred being insensitive, I was that kind who you’d say is full of arrogance, stubborn, unbendable, bossy and someone who would never suck up to people for any reason what so ever, but now, I don’t know, what is becoming of me. Was I not I then? Or am I not me now? Or maybe we just change with time; maybe we adjust our sails with the new winds and maybe at times, no matter what our history is, we do find ourselves bending towards people to blow for us when we are falling short on a lungful of air.

"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”

The other day I wrote an unpublished post on self-love, inspired by a blogger (adhisha’s) recent post on love and the like. The message I deciphered from that post amounts to the idea that we all must love ourselves in the first place before trying our hands on being the apple of somebody else’s eye. Reason though is very plausible. It voices out the fact that those who cannot love thy self cannot possibly be capable of giving love to others. And I have nothing to disagree here. Although I must cleanly confess that even after spending a good twenty years of my life in the sheer company of my body and my soul, I haven’t really drawn closer enough to be friends with myself, let alone the idea of loving myself! And this certainly is a quirk of fate, very demeaning I must say. But well I have a valid argument which proclaims how awfully hard it is to love yourself considering you are well-aware of “all” your shortcomings and transgressions which disgust you every time you make an effort to step ahead and give yourself a try. And then no matter how much you resist, the counter argument does pop up in your head, making you realize that nobody ever said it’s going to be all beer and skittles every time. Love, after all, is not a synonym for perfection.

Today I just happened to bump into this another blog where I read the writer’s painful account of coming face to face with the underlying truth in Oscar Wilde's assertion that perhaps the only lifelong romance is 'to love oneself', and once again I couldn’t agree more. The truth is that all our lives--in the name of love, we try to seek comfort in other people. Our whole life starts to revolve around that one person and nothing else seems to matter to us. Not even our own selves! Everything we do then is an attempt to please our beloved and we go as off limit as mortgaging our souls to make things work out. Bear with me if you think I may be generalizing too much here, but the point is, do we still find the comfort we were looking for in the first place? Selling ourselves (as some of us would do by being vulnerable and compromising on things which cannot be compromised) to gain love can never bring any sort of comfort; in fact we fall even deeper in the abyss and then on a later date when we realize that the comfort we had been running after—seeking in some other human body is not to be found there, and that’s when things start to fall apart. Bonds crack, yet we still do not understand what went wrong. We put the blame on who-so-ever and after we are over the ‘getting over’ phase, we once again venture out searching a dwelling in another heart which shows potential to provide comfort that we long for.

After life long experiments, it all comes down to this little fact that the most delightful and satisfying of comforts made available to human beings lies not in other people’s liking of us, but in our liking of ourselves. Because the truth is that only one form of love can lead us to the next! And only after loving ourselves can we find that famous version of being loved that is known to bring comfort to the human soul.

“A cheerful frame of mind, reinforced by relaxation... is the medicine that puts all ghosts of fear on the run.”

After having four jalebies, a dozen multicolored sugar balls, a number of acerbic pani puries and a large glass of coke, I think now I am in the right state of mind to put pen to paper with absolute surety that nothing gloomy would produce itself on the paper. Providing that detail only signifies how, for some people, it takes a little effort from their side to put them in that ‘feel good’ frame of mind where as for some others this feeling-good attribute comes naturally--so damn naturally that I can’t help but wonder! However, that doesn’t prove anything. Especially not the fallacious detail that life is unfair for some of us. I think we all should make a conscious attempt in order to feel good, because after all is said and done, after all the dark soul searching and self-analysis, it’s just happiness that we want for ourselves and others, no matter how much some of us may deny. So here's my blog-readers' share of multicolored sugar balls, wolf down peeps!

“No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.”

I believe I am the worst person on the face of this planet when it comes to parenting. Yeah I know, I am not a parent yet, but I do have parental responsibilities which I owe to my twelve year old sisters--who, being motherless, are obviously dependent on me for everything; big or small. What makes me a bad caregiver is that I am still in the process of discovering myself and I have a lot of shortcomings, as described in the previous post. I have self imposed boundaries which do not let me do what I want to do. I hate going out to parties and weddings or even normal shopping, I hate meeting people, and I am a case of paranoia. I care too much about what people may think, I have a dark and cloudy inner self and above all I am a victim of mood-swings. I am always served cold and impatient towards children who like being what they are, i.e. children. Now, all these shallow attributes of my being have made me realize that this may be the way I want to live my life; confined at home, not wanting to go out and meet new people, but this surely is not how my sisters would want to live their lives. And I think my sisters have made it quite evident now that they fall under the category of normal out-going people who’d love to hangout and go to parties, mosques and mall-ing for the heck of it. Irony is I can’t let them go on their own; because as I mentioned, they are just twelve, so I have to stick along -- something which I would resist to imply from every possible direction, unless there is absolutely no way out. And even in cases like that when none of my excuses would work then I’d just make such a fuss out of the whole thing that their sweet little hearts--demanding something very genuine--would die before their wish would materialize.

The point, however, is that I don’t want to be this. This monster who is spoiling their lives. I don’t want to spoil mine either. I have all the freedom in the world to go anywhere and everywhere I want to. I have all the money in the world to use it on anything and everything (okay may be that’s an exaggeration -- dad won’t buy me an MacBook =/ ) and now, since I have a long vacations worth two and a half months, I even have all the time in the world to go out and have fun, but sadly I don’t! I just remain selfishly settled in my own little comfort zone and would refuse to trade it with anything. I think I am just ignoring the concrete little fact that one of the reasons why I didn’t sign up for any sort of internship for this summer break was because I decided that I wanted to spend time with my family and I wanted to give all my time to my two sisters who yearn for it badly. What is keeping me from doing what is required of me to do? I think THIS is absolutely what I meant when I first termed the expression “SELF-IMPOSED-BOUNDERIES”.

I promised my sisters that I would take them to this recreational center today where they could signup for art classes conducted this summer, but I didn’t go. I promised them I would pick up their clothes from the tailor, but I didn’t go. I promised them I would go for swimming with them, but I sent them alone when all the while I sat at home doing nothing that was worth doing. I am sick of coming up with new excuses everyday. Sick of running away from facing the world!

To mom: I hate the fact that strangers get all my love and people around me are stuck up with me and my some crappy limitations theory which doesn’t even exist. I will work this out, I promise I will.

"Observe all men; thy self most"

I was telling this friend of mine today about how I feel that I have somehow created these unseen 'self imposed boundaries' around myself which refrains me from doing certain thing(s). Boundaries which do not allow me to liberate myself, boundaries which have no material form or addresser, these are just in my mind and I somehow try to find a material cause of these boundaries, just so that I have something to put the blame on. The friend didn’t seem to understand what I meant, but I am sure there is something quite abnormal going on within me and I swear I need to address it to myself; I really need to understand what is wrong! So for that I’ve thought of tracing my own past. I’ll share the little I recall of my behavior in the form of incidents and I’ll leave it on the readers to decide for what they think about it.

Incident number one: Quite a number of years ago when me and family used to live in our old apartment, that’s when I and my other two siblings i.e. my eldest sister and my brother shared one room (don’t freak out, we were just children then). So, this room had two single beds which were joined together to make one double bed so that all three of us could easily fit on it. My brother slept on one side of the bed and my sister on the other where as I occupied the middle portion. Now, from what I can recall, I always squeezed myself inside the tiny bent portion which is acquired by joining two single beds. It was actually a piece of wood on which I used to sleep. My sister would ask me to move in on her side of the bed (there was plenty of soft mattress for me, I assure you all) but I would just remain there on the hard wood instead of the soft mattress. Why though is the question! Who likes to sleep on the piece of a log anyway?

Incident number two: I go to the university in a van. One day when I was picked up from my point, there was just one seat which was left to be occupied in the entire coaster so I took that seat and settled myself on it. After a while the van stopped in front of a girl’s house who apparently travelled in the same van as me but I certainly didn’t know her. She approached the van and scanned it to spot a vacant seat which was obviously not there. In cases like that, what the subject or the ‘victim-of-no-seat’ is supposed to do is to sit on the only vacant hard base place where everyone keeps their bags and stuff. Well, while that girl was deciding what to do, I removed the bags from that hard base and situated myself on that rock hard and uncomfortable area leaving my cushion like soft seat for that girl whom I didn’t even know.

Incident number three: It’s like 42 degrees centigrade in Karachi these days. The human meat can literally cook at this temperature (or may be that’s an exaggeration) but here’s the smart me who turns off the fan and locks herself in the room when she is angry and mad at something or someone. I mean who in the world does that? When no one is looking at you why would you want do that? I’d totally understand that kind of behavior as a response of your anger if “there is” someone who is watching you. Like people do go on food strike and stuff like that but that’s a protesting behavior. Here I'm in no way protesting (I think), or if I am, then who am I protesting to? I mean I'm shutting down the fan, okay no big deal, but shutting down the only cool thing in such a weather, knowing that no one is watching you is freaky! WHY THE HELL WOULD SOMEONE DO SUCH A THING?

Incident number four: I recall my childhood days when I and my elder sister used to play teacher-teacher with each other. She always wanted to become the teacher so I would tell her that I’d let her be the teacher only If she promises me that she’ll become a tough teacher who would punish her students, hits them hard and indulge in giving very strict punishments. I, for that matter would become the student on who she would have to practice her cruelty. She would refuse to do such a thing on my face and I’d declare that I am not playing if she refuses to be tough on me.

All of the above incidents have one common feature and that is the fact that I’ve been hard on myself. Why is that so? Why do I give up on my comfortable seat for some XYZ person and accept the pain in my butt as my fate? Why did I sleep on the piece of a wood when I had the remainder of the bed available for me? Why do I make myself sweat and dehydrate when I am provided with an air-conditioner in my room? Why did I want my sister to be tough on me in this game we were to play, when I would always hit her back in all the fights which we had in real life scenario (apart from the game)?

Am I one of those people who’d like to constantly indulge in self-pity? Or did I do all of the above to gain attention of who-so-ever?! Do I actually like being in pain? Or is it that I value that smooth light-headed effect which comes after the pain -- and that acts as a reason for me to want to be in pain?

"There's a lot of fear connected with the inner journey because it penetrates our illusions. Taking the inner journey will lead you into some very shadowy places. You're going to learn things about yourself that you'll wish you didn't know. There are monsters in there—monsters you can't control—but trying to keep them hidden will only give them greater power."

So what, I'm still a rock star...

Alright guys, lets drag a brand new attitude and get that *bling*bling* party on! Heck with the moaning and groaning over what’s not in the world, whose corrupt and blah blah! Let’s just enjoy for a change, with little stuff that we have in our hands! Like for instance, American Idol *Grin*. For people who are wondering what has go into me, I’d say I’m high - Over the sky – not wanting to come down! And the good part is that there is no reason behind me flying high! Had there been a material or even a non-material reason, I would’ve soon landed on the ground! And this time, I’m not getting down. Na.. Na.. Anyway, whoever wants to get into this party mood along with me should listen to this track by Pink, It's called ‘So What’ and this is the tenth time that I am listening to it! Scream along people…

So, so what, I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't need you
And guess what, I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright, I'm just fine and you're a fool
So, so what, I am a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't want you tonight



Those who followed American Idol’s eight season would be surprised, amazed, or may be disappointed that Kris Allen took the title away. Personally, I am very happy with America’s choice, I wanted Kris to win deep down, though I didn’t want Adam to loose either. One of the reasons Adam didn’t get enough votes could be that he is a gay guy, how many of you think this is a plausible reason? Besides, what’s shocking is that I just got to know it today that Kris is married. I mean he is 23, American, and Married? Are u kidding me? Tip-off: I’m inclined towards appreciation, of course =p

Competitions like American Idol has proved time and again that America; although has problems with a whole lot of stuff, leme highlight its *governmental intervention* in every nations business, yet I am compelled to say that her people and institutions are by far the most well-reared people who demonstrate the greatest quality of professionalism that we can't have anywhere else in the world. Or am I carried away? could it be that they only market themselves to be this way and aren't what I think they are? Well, this again makes them genius! I’ll call them the ‘closest-to-perfect’ imitators of perfection! Congratulations Kris Allen, Now that you are an Idol, I think you’ve enveloped your finances to get a baby for yourself ;-) so Good Luck!

Tracks I’m listening to:

~So what by Pink
~Just chill by John Young
~If I were a boy by Beyonce
~1,2,3,4, by Plain White
~Right now by Akon
~Give a little bit by Goo Goo Dolls
~Gives you hell by All American Rejects
~I’m yours by Jason Marz