15 June, 2009

“Everything is simpler than you think and at the same time more complex than you imagine”

Relationships are complicated, because human beings are complicated and there is no way we can stop them from being what they are, that is, complicated. Speaking for myself, I am a concrete example of what I’m talking about. Twisted, Self-contradictory, and absolutely abnormal; yeah that’s me. Let’s not forget here that there actually is a school of thought which believes that the only people who are normal are the ones you don’t know about! So basically, we all are abnormal in our sweet ways. Well that was just for self defense, coming back to relationships; I have no idea where to start from. Okay, May be we can discuss what happened yesterday. Well I left her three good text messages starting from 2 in the afternoon and stopping at 9 at night however I didn’t get an answer. This is pretty unusual, because she always answers. So I was basically getting anxiety attacks, and dude I couldn’t take my mind off her. But you know what; it’s not about HER NOT ANSWERING ME! Or maybe it is, but I really do want to give her the personal space she is used to of having, I don’t want her to feel bound to answer all the time when she doesn’t feel like it, I don’t want to seize her freedom of whatever she wants to do. I don’t want her to want me, I want her to WANT to WANT me! Eh? Confused, Okay, let me put in a better way, see I could have called her up anytime yesterday and could have made sure if everything is fine and all, but I didn’t do that, because I don’t want to bother her or make her think something like ‘Oh next time I better reply either I want to or not, or else this little irritating creature would call me up and I will have to bear listening to her unstoppable mushy talks’.

Well ok I admit she won’t think anything like that, she’s been very nice to me all this time and the truth is that THIS is what I am afraid of. I don’t want to take advantage of her consideration, I want to be happy with whatever part of her is with me at this moment, but then, there are my beliefs, the schools of thoughts I believe in, and I believe in reciprocity, I want to return what she has given to me time and again, which includes support, happiness, meaning, compassion, advice, guidance, suggestion and all that stuff, but for that I need to know when she wants that, I need to KNOW and she would never tell me anything. When I need support I tell her, I plainly tell her what went wrong and how I mishandled, how I was hurt, how someone did this or that to me, but she would never tell me anything. I try digging in every day, every single day I ask her to tell me how her day was but every day the answer is just fine or busy or okay. I can’t assume when she had a bad day and needs consolation, I can’t assume when to support her, I can’t assume when to be there for her, unless she tells me and she wouldn’t. I thought that asking was a good option but you know, it’s not a good option. Ever filled a questionnaire about anything? People who have would know, how direct questions do not help and besides it can really irritate the hell out of the other person, and I am in no position to cause any sort of irritation here, I already am a very irritating person by default.

Sometimes I just wonder if this is the person I wanted to be. Well, I don’t think so! I am the person who used to call my sister an Emotional fool every time she appeared emotionally inclined towards something or someone, I am the person who would never cry in public or show myself as a weaker body, I am the person who would never tell people I love them, I would never utter those words, not to my own mother as well, cause that makes me appear weak, vulnerable, and emotional. I preferred being insensitive, I was that kind who you’d say is full of arrogance, stubborn, unbendable, bossy and someone who would never suck up to people for any reason what so ever, but now, I don’t know, what is becoming of me. Was I not I then? Or am I not me now? Or maybe we just change with time; maybe we adjust our sails with the new winds and maybe at times, no matter what our history is, we do find ourselves bending towards people to blow for us when we are falling short on a lungful of air.


Blogger brok3n said...

Just hang in there......you'll find your own way.
And as far as wanting people to want you....I can understand totally. I guess the more expectations you have, the more you get hurt....give them time and space...and don't expect. Do what you have to do. IshAllah you'll be at peace.

3:39 AM  
Blogger The Survivor said...

It happens with everyone, whether to make that call or not to people who are close to us, hoping that we are not taking their advantage.

Just be yourself gal, that's the best way to live life. You are unique in yourself and that is the only thing that should matter.

Do what you think is right and just and trust me you will know the difference.

9:55 PM  
Blogger Zainab Dhanji said...

thanks guys, you both were actually right! broken on expecting less and survivor on doing what i think is right. Afterall, we all must be ourselves, cause as they say, everyone else is taken ;-)

12:00 AM  

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