The Morning Of My Fate...

2012-02-01T15:16:00.001+05:00

“Is it possible for home to be a person and not a place?”
― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss

2011-11-07T15:19:00.001+05:00

With Dubai’s weather changing from scorching hot all the time to relatively cooler mornings and evenings, I am getting a lot of opportunities to interact with nature. This is one of the things that make me really happy; being close to nature that doesn’t bite you! Or at least nature that doesn’t bite you hard enough! Like usually even in extreme hot weather days I do like exploring and praising scenic beauty but it just gets a lot better when the weather is in your favor!

So as I sit here composing a new post, the clouds are cluttering over my head, probably planning to have a showdown sometime soon, while the wind continues to blow my greasy hair that needs to be showered as soon as possible. Yeah, I don’t like portraying ideal pictures, real is better! However, real is pretty much ideal at the moment with Dubai skyline stretched before my eyes as I gaze from the balcony seeking inspiration to capture the moment through words!

I think I am still under the spell of the awesomeness I witnessed yesterday. We went to Musandam, near Oman. It’s a beautiful, most mesmerizing place to be at on a good weather day and it’s always an add-on if you don’t go there with any expectations. For all I knew, I thought it was a place like Kemari in Karachi! All I was looking for was some adventure but it ended up being so much more incredible than I had thought! The most beautiful moment from the trip was when the sun was setting in the mountains of Oman while we were cruising through the clear blue water. Oh and there were Dolphins too. I am not too crazy about them though, but it was nice to see everyone being excited about them.

And I learnt one important lesson from being between so much beauty over the couple of days. I learnt that the most beautiful things can only be absorbed within, you can love it all you want, but you have to find peace within to be able to appreciate it wholly and solely. In simpler terms: A butterfly is only beautiful till it’s freely flying in the air.

Hello Multiculturalism

2011-11-01T11:14:00.004+05:00

Eid 2011

Halloween setup at Spinneys

Diwali rangoli 2011

Re-ignition

2011-10-15T16:30:00.006+05:00

An old feeling has revisited my being, I know this feeling, I have dealt with this before but each time I come across it, it's as intense, as maddening as the last time. I have allowed it to enter my being; I wanted it to be here, but I can't control it's impact on me. It's intense, emotionally draining yet absolutely lovely! I like it and it makes me crazy at the same time. And I am sure somewhere along the line, there is a lot of strength that I will get out of this. Strength, not to overcome it, resist it, or settle it, but strength that allows me to stay with it without being hysterical, strength that will allow me to appreciate the beauty of all things that this feeling brings along. And till I get that kind of strength, I will just have to sit with my pain - not fight it, not complain against it, not be ungrateful, just sit with it and let it be.

Find below Munir Niazi's words that fit the situation perfectly:

bechain bahut phiranaa ghabaraaye hue rahanaa
ik aag sii jazabo.n kii bahakaaye hue rahanaa

aadat hii banaa lii hai tum ne to "Munir" apanii
jis shahar me.n bhii rahanaa uktaaye hue rahanaa

2011-10-01T12:00:00.000+05:00

Most of the people I am meeting these days inquire about my blog. Feels as though this blog was a part of my being once - more like an essential component that old friends are interested to know about as part of our catching up process. And I don’t like it when I have to say that I have discontinued blogging because I don’t get time. A light-hearted post should take around 10 to 20 minutes and we all know we can easily spare that much time no matter what we work as. Hence the bottom line is that I will reprioritize blogging, mainly because I like it.

For those who’ve followed my blog all these years, I’d like to catch up with you guys too. So to start off from where I left in my previous post I’d like to mention that I have now moved to Dubai. Yes, I found work there, despite all odds and all those bad-market rumors that used to circulate while I was job-hunting. So life as of now is pretty good. I just graduated and received my degree. More than that I think a must-mention happening is that I finally got to wear that graduation gown I used to fancy all these years and oh that hat too. However, sadly I have become more practical than fun so instead of tossing my hat in the air once graduated, I kept it on because I didn’t really want to lose it and then pay fines for it.

As for personal development, I think just 4 months in Dubai has changed me more than 4 years in college did. I am more confident than I have ever been, I am becoming pro-active, more responsible and well, I have cut down on psychoanalyzing myself and instead I just enjoy the moment that is the present!

For more on my life, stay tuned.

2011-06-06T13:53:00.001+05:00

I wish going away was as simple as picking up a bag and sitting in a plane but it’s not as simple. You need to pack that bag, item by item, practically choosing everything you decide to take along and leave behind. Then you need to book a ticket to your destination, say your goodbyes to the place you are leaving hoping the place you are going to is worth the sacrifice and then you sit through the flight with all those uncertainties hovering over your head which won’t let you enjoy your flight. As tiresome as it may sound, it actually is the most exciting part of the journey. What is there in your journey once you’ve reached the desired destination? Probably the waiting period where all the uncertainties materialize themselves but let’s not get all carried away here! All I know is that we cannot estimate the impact of a journey until we’ve taken it. We cannot know what lies ahead until we’ve gone there and experienced what is there to experience. If nothing else, we’ll have a brave story to re-tell ourselves once we are old and testy! So yes, I am still going strong on my decision to leave behind my comfort zone, against all odds, against all the “do-not-go” counter arguments presented by my mind to me.

2011-06-01T13:53:00.000+05:00

So I have decided from this point on every experience I encounter will be documented. Mainly because this process of documentation helps me think clearly and second because I know for sure that the 30 year old me would like to read how the 20 year old me used to be hence all this documentation would make the 30 year old me happy so basically I am concerned about my future happiness and I am going to take adequate steps to ensure my future happiness! And lastly, all this documentation will help me grow out of this blogging hiatus I’ve been prolonging since a long time now!

Enough about past and the future, let’s get to the present. I have just recently graduated completing my Bachelors in Social Sciences and Economics with Majors in Psychology and I am presently in the middle of making important and life changing decisions. I am fully in control of taking or not taking chances and for some reason, being fully in control is making me go hysterical. Decision making is hard as it is but well, that’s no reason to not make one, because whatever we choose or not choose in life, we are going to face the consequences. So here I am after 15 days of graduation, packing my bag and stepping out of my comfort zone to explore the world and my place in it. I could have easily gotten a job staying here in my own country and comfort zone but I’d rather go out and explore than settle for whatever comes my way. I have no idea how it’s going to be out there, how things will unfold, what should I expect or shouldn’t expect, but all I know is that I am making an effort to write my own destiny and whatever be the consequences of my decisions, I am not going to regret it because at least I took a decision instead of just going with the flow. This is my way of breaking free. Stay tuned for more.

2011-01-30T09:26:00.006+05:00

"I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids. For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin.
And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin. I love movies about “The Big Moment” – the game or the performance or the wedding day or the record deal, the stories that split time with that key event, and everything is reframed, before it and after it, because it has changed everything. I have always wanted this movie-worthy event, something that will change everything and grab me out of this waiting game into the whirlwind in front of me. I cry and cry at these movies, because I am still waiting for my own big moment. I had visions of life as an adventure, a thing to be celebrated and experienced, but all I was doing was going to work and coming home, and that wasn’t what it looked like in the movies.
John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” For me, life is what was happening while I was busy waiting for my big moment. I was ready for it and believed that the rest of my life would fade into the background, and that my big moment would carry me through life like a lifeboat. The Big Moment, unfortunately, is an urban myth. Some people have them, in a sense, when they win the Heisman or become the next American Idol. But even that football player or that singer is living a life made up of more than that one moment. Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearl. It takes so much time, and so much work, and those beads and moments are so small, and so much less fabulous and dramatic than the movies. But this is what I’m finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that move-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets – this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of use will ever experience." — Shauna Niequist (Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life)

2010-11-15T20:08:00.001+05:00

I wish the concepts of morality weren’t so vague and all that gray. I wish they were simpler, in terms of black and white, but then again I wouldn’t want simple, black and white things to impose. A little wandering here and there to get to the truth keeps me entertained, but then I am scared of losing ways too.

The reason I ever thought that the concepts of morality should be simpler is because I don’t want to be confused all the time. I do want to know how being certain feels, although I am certainly not certain enough about certainty being a bliss! But the grass has got to look greener at the other side, hence my need to check out that side of the fence!

Anyway, let’s get to the point. A goat in my neighborhood died last night, not a very natural death though, because he was slaughtered. And he was slaughtered in the middle of the night because he was ill and it was highly probable that he would die any minute so the owner thought it was wise to just slaughter a sick animal and make its meat halaal. Or probably he was thinking that he would end the goat’s suffering if he just ordered it to be slaughtered there and then and made it easier for the poor thing to embrace death. I don’t know about his intentions, but I know that I was feeling terrible having to see a sick animal being slaughtered. Later, when I was looking out of the window, I saw all those other animals tied downstairs, and that’s when it struck me that all these are going to be slaughtered too. It’s a common knowledge that these animals are here to be killed (sacrificed) and it’s a practice I have observed since I was a child - animals being killed every year in the name of God.

These animals are God’s creatures, he made them as he made us, and then he ordered us to sacrifice one each year for him, so why is it so hard for me to understand that it is meant to be this way? Why should I question the sacrifice of something that God made himself and asked us to return it to Him in the form of a sacrifice! Probably it’s all that “animal rights” thing that is getting to me. I mean, being sad for a goat when I eat chicken every single day of my life at the cost of their death doesn’t make me the best person to talk about animal rights but all I am trying to convey here is that I felt terrible at the death of that goat. Now the question is why am I never sad at goats being slaughtered in assembly line on the day of Eid? Is it the mental conditioning or do I really think that it’s okay to kill something when God wants us to kill it, but not otherwise? Having to be in this situation, what should my moral duty be? Listening to my creator or lending an ear to the pleas of those voiceless animals? Well, I don’t really know the answers; I am just a person with many questions.

2010-11-13T10:14:00.004+05:00

[picture taken from Nokia 5630]

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it."--Eddie's Wife
— Mitch Albom (The Five People You Meet in Heaven - Meniti Bianglala)

2010-09-05T23:20:00.001+05:00

It is amazing how every time I think my blogging days are over I bump into this place somehow or the other and end up composing a new blog post. Well, if nothing else, it at least proves I have what it takes to be in a long term relationship (which I’ll be in someday… or not). Anyway, so I don’t have any specific thing to talk about today, neither am I in the mood to go into self reflection or those kinds of serious things so I think I’m just going to make this post about my life updates. It’s important that everybody does that every once in a while in order to know where exactly we are in life. So I’ll start with the least important details; A) I turned 22 four days ago and I’ve got to say I was kinda disappointed in myself. I mean, I hadn’t pictured myself to be such a failure in life even when I was twenty two years old!! But what do I know! Or maybe you should blame the western media for making me think less of myself just because I STILL LIVE WITH MY PARENTS! Okay update B) I entered the fourth year of my university life a month ago without failing a single course or having more than two Cs all together. Too bad nobody seems to care about grades anymore in this world. You know what would’ve been great along with a good Grade Point Average (GPA)? Knowing what I actually am doing (except for taking classes, passing exams and moving on to the next semester). Anyway, it’s not like educational systems are meant to make sense or anything. Okay what else could be my life update… oh yeah, I’ve become a shopaholic. In other words a bad hoggish consumerist who likes to accumulate worldly things! And the fact that I am unemployed makes it a bad news. Oh and update number four, I have major scratches on my phone. I know it’s not best to mention this now when half the country is drowning but you can’t blame me, I’ve been reading Ayn Rand’s Virtues of selfishness -_-

OK, I feel horrible!

2010-07-13T15:41:00.002+05:00

I’ve been wanting to write on my blog since the past so many weeks but I kept pushing away this feeling every time, not because I couldn’t find the time to write or didn’t have anything to write – it’s just that SO much has happened in the past month and such amazing things have happened that I didn’t want to do injustice to those events by trying to encapsulate them into a collection of inexpressive words. Anyway, I’ll just try my best to paint that fire inside me through words. So I had gone to Dubai last month - not so big a deal, I know! That’s what was on my mind when I left for Dubai i.e. it’s just going to be another trip to some place for vacations and I’ll be back like nothing happened, or at most I’ll be back with some memories to cherish and that’s all. Well, I didn’t know I was signing up for quite a lot of surprises. I kind of left my heart there, in Dubai land. But more than that, I found something too. Now that “something” doesn’t have a word through which I can define it, but it’s something so meaningful, so empowering, so fulfilling that all those self-conflicting ideas that were in my mind before I had gone to Dubai are just vanishing. It’s like I have taken a step forward from being a rebel to finding some peace. That doesn’t mean I’ll quit questioning social conformity or start acting like a “sheep”, as I like to call it, but all I am saying is that I feel safe, I feel accompanied even when I am alone, I feel there is more meaning in my life than there ever was and more than anything, I feel like that throbbing pain in my heart which was there since the past three years has finally found an examiner. Yes, it’s not like the pain has vanished like it’s under a magical spell or anything, but at least it has found acceptance. I feel Dubai was THERAPY for me, and as much as I was a non-believer in the powers of love, I have been transformed. And if anyone is getting a wrong idea here, I am talking about my family in Dubai and their love. I am not talking about the fun and the awesomeness of the place itself, I am talking about the people, their love, their way of being there for each other and all that. I also don’t want to give an impression like my life in Pakistan has been SO deprived of love and all that, coz it’s not! I have a loving family here too, but it’s just that Dubai provided me what I really needed that time. So much psychology and psychoanalysis that I studied in the previous semester had already cut open me and I wanted to heal so bad that I didn’t even wait to think what was happening. All I did was let it be, let my heart be vulnerable for some time, let it fall for yet another woman, let it do what it has to do and for once, not try to control the situation, not try to control emotions. I felt free and I didn’t even realize I was healing until I returned.

The (other) way of living...

2010-05-27T13:29:00.005+05:00

At any given moment in any person’s existence if you ask them about their vague idea behind life and living, chances are that 99.9% people are going to express their concept of a good life to be inclined towards happiness, fulfillment, peace and all other types of good things that human beings are aware of. That’s the only life we have been taught to live or dream for, which we call, a good life.

So there’s good and bad, happy and sad and various other categorizations in order to comprehend reality and calculate well-being. And my big idea is that this categorization has led humanity to live just one kind of life; there are other possibilities of existence that are being over looked. You don’t have to be happy or be working towards happiness all the time, or even some of the times. It is not necessary. You can call your sad life a good life; you can live in the streets and not build yourself a house or have a family and call it a good life. The idea that a comfortable life is a good life is what I’m asking you all to reconsider and I am not the only one, David Zindell did it first. Please read the extract from his book given below and decide for yourself.

"Reality [...] at every level from photons to philosophical fancies to the consciousness of living organisms was fluid [...]. To break apart and confine this reality into separate categories created by the mind was foolish and futile, much like trying to capture a ray of light inside a dark wooden box. This urge to categorize was the true fall of man [...] the infinite became finite, good opposed evil, thoughts hardened into beliefs, one's joys and discoveries became dreadful certainties, man became alienated from what he perceived as other ways and other things, and, ultimately, divided against himself, body and soul. [...] Always seeking meaning, always making their lives safe and comfortable, human beings do not truly live." — David Zindell (The Broken God)

"The terrible fluidity of self-revelation"

2010-05-05T09:37:00.014+05:00

If there is one thing I am to recall about my childhood, it would be having this question with me, "why do I always end up liking/adoring/worshiping teachers, mostly of a specific kind that’s usually found in women, though not always". I must have asked this question to myself and people around me for more than a million times I suppose, nobody seemed to have an answer, nobody. It’s been years now, I just sort of got along with having that question in the back of my mind. For a good while, not having an answer didn’t seem to bother me much, and to be perfectly honest, I didn’t even think there was an answer to this question. It’s just as simple as this, you like a specific kind and type of people, although the idea of having my likes and dislikes sorted out in a stage so young didn’t quite sound right and too much of similarity in the liking pattern surely did amaze and sometimes frustrate me.

Anyway, so now, today, as I write this, I have the answer with me and it’s so saddening that I’m now wishing I hadn’t had the answer. I can’t un-know it though. That’s the thing about knowing, it’s so rigid, you just can’t not-know it once you know it. Unless you have Alzheimers or something! Well, so the answer takes me back to my childhood, way back actually, to the time when I was born. Being the third child, I was way too close to my mum, you know, like really close, but a different close, like the close in which you are close yet distant, I wanted her all the time but I didn’t want her to know that I want her, silly! The thing with growing up is that it’s a process of change and it’s normal until you don’t get hooked on to one specific phase. I got hooked on though, in a way. In case you’re missing the link, remember being the third child with just one to two years of gap between previous siblings means getting way divided attention. So you see why I wanted my mother so much? Anyway, so I took everything from my environment which was available to me, sometimes grabbed & snatched attention with both hands and clinged onto it like crazy. I also used to sit near the window, counting numbers way past thousands when mum would go out for shopping or something, and when numbers would fail me, I would think she’s never coming back and has left me forever, I remember feeling a million times that she is never coming back, i really was a silly child.

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, things change, I changed too, as I grew, I divided my attention too. I used to go to this woman’s house in our building, to play with her children. She was almost the same age as my mother, and to be perfectly honest, I use to go to her place to be around her more than I used to go to play with her children, but I didn’t know it back then, I really thought I used to go there to play with her children, coz that’s what I really did there, just play with her children, although in return she used to like me, and now, being more consciously aware, I know I used to go to her place because of her liking me (which means her providing me positive attention) and not cause I wanted to play with her children who were the same age as my twin sisters, so if I really wanted to play with children I could’ve just played with my own sisters, no wait, I guess my sisters were quite young back then, probably new born, so yeah I couldn’t have played with them, but still, you get what I am saying right? Well, now you all should really know what the answer to my question is, I don’t quite feel like spelling it out in one direct sentence. Ok fine! I’ll just say it. So I liked a specific kind and type of teachers all this while because I saw in them what I wanted from my own mother, this does not mean those teachers were how my mother was, this simply means they were what I wanted my mother to be. I’ve liked two male teachers in my life as well, but they were that womanly sorta nurturing kinds as well, so my point still stands strong. And now that I know all the whys and hows, I really don’t know what is required of me to do about it! I just can’t sit back, waiting for affection and fulfillment of my childhood deprivations, because my complex self is all the more complex now that I’ve stepped into the adult world. And someone offering me their affection outright would only get me to ignore them and probably hate them. Now I just have this self-conflicting need for isolation and affection, at the same bloody time! I don’t see anybody’s fault here though, except for maybe family planning people’s? Ok jokes aside, really, if someone even dares to conclude by all this that my mother is the culprit here, I am going to extract that person’s every organ from their insides and feed it to the crows or eagles, whoever would like to have it. My mother gave me the best of her time and efforts she could’ve given me. Her struggles are more than my stupid self-obsessed acts of clinging onto my childhood or things like that. Her struggles were real, and that would take a whole new blogpost for me to explain!

P.s: Everything mentioned in this post is subject to a specific time and condition. THIS IS NOT A CALL FOR ATTENTION! Aslo, factors influencing the kind of behavior it did weren't working in isolation and therefore there are several things that cause a certain action or reaction. This is just ONE way of understanding it, may not even be the right way to decipher things!

'Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day!'

2010-04-01T00:09:00.015+05:00

The things I see each day, the people I meet, the events that I decode, the knowledge I gain… it’s all very overwhelming. Overwhelming to the point that I feel enormously little! And you don’t know what being enormously little means. There is only so much emotion that a few words can transmit, and while being confined by the whole idea of making sense, the most part of emotional upheaval is lost.

“Words are only painted fire; not the fire itself”

There were some differently able students from Ida rue that had come to our university to show us their excellent capabilities to play the piano, tabla and singing skills. I reached uni twenty minutes before class so I thought to sit through their performance session and I was moved, beyond belief. Blind children playing musical instruments and singing at an institute that they’d never be able to afford studying at troubled me more than their not being able to see or hear. There is so much misery in this world that laughing without feeling guilty is nearly impossible. So I sobbed a little and went to take my class.

“And it also became clear that these conditions of inequality and historical injustice have given rise to a feeling of hate in the world - a deeply felt hate that cannot easily be overcome with a few good words.” -Ulrich Beck

I’ve become very touchy these days. There was a time when making me cry took nothing less than placing a cut onion before me or blowing chili powder in my eyes – now making me cry is as simple as making me watch a pleading beggar on the road. I don’t know if it’s my sincere feeling for those in misery that makes me sad or is it a kick in the butt of my self-esteem which gets hurt as a result of my helplessness at the state of such people! Point is that I don’t know. I don’t know yet who I am because I keep fluctuating between extreme states of selflessness and selfishness. I’m a combination of contradiction to the point that it’s hard for me to breathe down a single breath without much reflection. And the inability to express those complexities further frustrates me. But the following quote makes up for a good expression of my oh-so-complicated thought process, so here it goes:

"I will tell you what I will do and what I will not do. I will not serve that in which I no longer believe, whether it call itself my home, my fatherland, or my church: and I will try to express myself in some mode of life or art as freely as I can and as wholly as I can, using for my defense the only arms I allow myself to use --silence, exile and cunning."

"Most people are more comfortable with old problems than with new solutions."

2010-02-28T12:33:00.007+05:00

The last thing I should be doing right now is writing a blog post but I’m gonna do it cuz that’s what I WANT to do. Besides, nobody really likes the last options, the last numbers & anything that’s last in general. Everybody likes being on the top, the first, the best! The day I chose non-conformist as a word to define myself, I took an oath & so I can’t really do what normal people subject themselves to do. So I’m gonna like the last, the hateful, the neglected, the marginalized, the discriminated, the suppressed, the less-than-perfect, the unholy, the unethical, the least expected.

"We begin life with the world presenting itself to us as it is. Someone—our parents, teachers, analysts—hypnotizes us to “see” the world and construe it in the “right” way. These others label the world, attach names, and give voices to the beings and events in it, so that thereafter, we cannot read the world in any other language or hear it saying other things to us. The task is to break the hypnotic spell, so that we become undeaf, unblind and multilingual, thereby letting the world speak to us in new voices and write all its possible meanings in the new book of our existence." –Sidney Jourard

I wish doing all that was as simple as has been written in the above para, but well, trying is not a bad idea, right? To whatever extent, we should all try each day to be a little less of a sheep than we are tuned to become. But there’s a line to be drawn, a line which separates nonconformity from being an utter fool conflicting every single unit of society. Where the line is to be drawn would be relative to each individual, but wherever that must be, we need to make mistakes in order to know where to draw the line.

Now there’s a strict rule in our societies against mistakes. There is absolutely no place for mistakes here; we have institutions of family, marriage & then the communal pressures that are guarding our every single move. If you don’t believe me try slipping your duppatta off your head & then see how you’re tried and tested in the court of your communal aunties where the judge is their tongues.

We are told to believe others’ narrations so that we do not make our own mistakes and irony is that it’s thought of as a good way of raising & rearing the coming generation. It’s thought of as a protection, the best protection in fact which is given to the inexperienced by the so called experienced people. What they don’t understand is that it’s destructive, I say let there be mistakes, let people make their own bloody mistakes. Why must one take anyone’s word on how something should be done is absolutely beyond me. If you are the one to face your death then nobody but you should be the one to face your life as well, and however you decide to face it. But no, that’s not permissible. We have strict codes of conduct which all must follow. I’m not gonna go into how narrow and flawed those codes are and how the death of morality is seen in those codes that are deemed to protect morality, but I’m gonna make a suggestion, a redundant suggestion nobody is ever going to take, but I’m still going to make it until someone, at least one person takes my word. Be less judgmental, more humanistic, and individualistic. Consider every individual’s religion as their personal affair. Don’t impose and once again don’t judge. Do what you are here for: you are here as someone responsible for your own soul so might as well take care of that instead of drilling holes in someone elses’ soul. And lastly cease to subserviate, look around and question!

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself". ~Friedrich Nietzsche

2010-02-08T02:07:00.001+05:00

The reason why I haven’t been blogging lately is because I’ve been journaling, as part of my coursework, of course. And journaling is exhausting-cum-fun-cum-relieving-cum-revealing. It requires me to pour my heart out on the paper without fears of being judged, accepted or rejected. It just asks me to put it all down without thinking if it makes sense or not, if words are in a flow or not, if they are well presented or not, if anyone understands what I’m saying or not. And that helps. For once, not being understood by others helps; it helps for us to understand ourselves. And for once not making sense is acceptable and rewarding. So naturally I had to choose that over blogging. Blogging doesn’t give you that much liberty now, does it? And it’s not just the blog; it’s simply how the world works. Our world! [right or wrong – for you to decide]

Psychology is awesome by the way. The most reconciling of subjects, if you ask me. You get to know all there is to know through psychology. And if I weren’t so exhausted right now I’d have probably explained the how-s and why-s in detail but I’m tired, plus I’m on a pretense diet. Diet leads to hunger and Freud says hunger and sleep are two primary factors that play their parts in activating a chain of hyper-aggressive actions. Hyper-aggression can lead to murder. I don’t want to be a murderer. -_-

Oh and FYI: I said Freud says, and not Freud Said. Meaning I’m talking about some Freud who is alive. The real one is dead. So you don’t have to believe what I’m saying because I quoted the fake Freud. Not the father of psychodynamics Freud.

.. and I thought I was on a pretense diet -_-

Sometimes doing 'nothing' is what makes all the difference...

2010-01-28T22:52:00.009+05:00

So… It was her birthday today… (At least that’s what I’ve heard other people saying) And since she’d have hated me knowing it and then doing something about it, therefore I distracted myself the WHOLE day & kept my energies busy at doing anything that’d prevent me from doing something for her.

Some people just don’t like making a big deal about their birthdays. May be she is one of them... And maybe that’s the reason why she never wants me to know about her birthday...

Either way, I think I still couldn’t keep myself from doing something for her and my act of doing nothing for her - with the intent of not hurting her - actually reflected my doing something for her.

2010-01-21T12:09:00.010+05:00

So I’m listening to this someone-whose-name-I-don't-want-to-disclose’s conversation on the phone right now and to be perfectly honest I am amazingly disturbed! This someone is talking to Mr. X who has recently shifted to Australia & doesn’t realize he’s suffering from a cultural shock! Sadly enough this educated middle aged banker probably has no idea what cultural shock is and therefore he likes spending his days by connecting to his roots and calling up his Pakistani friends to complain about the western vulgarity. And honestly Pakistani men are perfect to add fuel to this fire! Instead of telling Mr. X to calm down he’s being suggested that the western kufr is a self fueling cycle! Meaning once you’ve shifted there with your family and once your kids have started to go to their schools they’ll never want to come back to Pakistan! And wives use kids as a weapon against husbands. The truth is that the wives themselves enjoy being in that part of the world and therefore the poor husband s are left with no choice other than being forced to live in that hell hole!

I’m guessing Mr. X must’ve completely agreed to this shameful explanation provided to him because the next thing I heard was; ‘Haan, yeah bewayaan hai na! Un kay tou mazay agaye hain wahan'

I felt extremely bad! A) Because education did no good to Mr. X (proly cause he studied things that’d gain him more coins but not a tad of self-knowledge) B) Because these two men while conversing made it sound like wives and their happiness is the least that matters & it’s against their manly pride to bow down to the likings of their wives, such a shame. May be they were trying to underline the fact that since living abroad for sometime will get one’s wife an abroad nationality and a green card therefore she’ll be more powerful than she is now and hence will act as an equal to his male counterpart (which is exactly how it should be).

All the above irony brings us to these few basic questions: Has slavery really ended? Aren’t women still being treated as slaves and being dictated their own lifestyles? Why do people want to bound each other to stick together? Why can’t people have believe in their selves and not let go of their morals and values wherever they go? Why are decreased choices and imposing will so much liked by a typical Pakistani male? Word for Mr. X: If your principles are so weak that a few years in a western country will rip it apart then I'm sorry but those weren't even worth having! Please understand that the roots of your insecurities lie not in the country you've chosen to live but it's inside your mind! Anyone can obey moral code of conduct living in their own small boxes, what matters is to live out of the box and not let go of your principles!

And when I'm HIGH...

2010-01-19T01:18:00.006+05:00

I can’t believe my neurons still want me to go ahead with blogging at the end of this weirdishly long day! Can’t say it was tiring too coz I hardly did anything productive! Oh well I did visit the bathroom a several times but I don’t think anyone would want me to count that as productive production?! Anyway this useless day was not my fault! Our “International Law and Human Rights (like-that-exists)” class was replaced by this Seminar on Tolerance & something like uniting for peace & blah! All I remember from that seminar is that it gave me the headache of my life & even after 11 hours of that horrific experience; the headache has not gone! *No exaggerations at all*

I was incredibly HIGH today! High on nothingness - coz I hardly ate, drank or sniffed anything out of the ordinary! And well one must not belittle the power of nothingness! I was just telling the twins the other day about the importance of nothing in order for something to be! Like for example, if it wasn’t for nothing, we wouldn’t have been able to breathe or talk! [Yes, I’m about to clarify this phenomena for those of you who’re a little thick in the head!] I’m referring to the nostril-hole nothingness which allows us to breathe and the free space (i.e. nothing but nothing) inside the mouth which allows the tongue to move up and down freely. So point proved: nothing is what allows something to be! Earth is another example but derive to the explanation yourself! Hint: Milky Way!

By the way earth has cockroaches! And cockroaches are so paranoid! I found one happily wandering in my room so I thought to do some photography out of it but that stupid thing got all hysteric & couldn’t stop himself from running away! Too bad it missed out on a life time opportunity of being captured on a human phone! You bet when this poor thing would have reached his home & would’ve narrated this story to his father; he must’ve gotten those death stares from him on letting go of this life changing opportunity which could’ve reshaped his entire roach-career! Oh and death stares reminds me of my friend. That poor thing bought these *death stares* from a very cheap store (possibly on sale) because she's been trying those on me since the past 3 years & I’m still so very alive!

Err well; the neurons are going all neurotic now! I must take off. I was SO high the whole day today that now it has come to this point where I'm left with no energy at all! Except for the potential energy that I'm automatically receiving - since my bed is elevated from the ground level & I'm on it! *physics joke*

2009-12-29T11:46:00.003+05:00

After the blast that occurred on M.A. Jinnah road yesterday there are people who are raising voices as to why these large gatherings and processions were given a green signal and why weren’t they banned if there was a possible threat! Following is an answer to all such statements.

One who has closely studied the incident of kerbala would understand that the mourners of Imam-e-Hussain must not be terrorized from these blasts & take a back from going to these processions. Yes, it’s no surprise that there was going to be trouble during the processions on Ashura but Imam-e-Hussain also knew that once he sends his 13 yr olds and 18 yr olds out in the battle field in kerabala, they won’t return back home but did that stop imam hussain from doing what was right? He could have easily taken oath (bayat) at the hands of Yazeed, the tyrant, but he didn’t! He sacrificed everything he had but didn’t let the oppressor succeed in his cause!

People are coming out and saying that till majalis we understand but why did they have to go ahead with the procession despite the threats. For this they must understand that the act of terrorism is to terrorize people and any alteration in the acts of Hussainies would signify that the terrorists succeeded in their task. Some say we wish they had kept a low in processions this year! I completely disagree with that. Blast in processions today will lead to blasts in majalis tomorrow & then to completely terrorize Hussainies to an extent that they won’t even come out of their houses! Although, I as a Hussaini know that this will never happen. We will continue to go to majalis, juloos (processions) and involve in azadari no matter how many security concerns there are. And No, I don’t do that to become a martyr or to be called as a shaheed! My aim is plain mourning of my Imaam and martyrs of kerabala. People can continue to think whatever they may!

In the end I’d say that all those who think that why is it so hard for us to take precautions must understand that not conducting processions is not a precaution, it’s a consequence! If someone is really interested in taking precautions then he must advocate tightened security measures & other such measures, not a ban on the procession itself!

2009-12-22T13:16:00.004+05:00

Past few months haven’t been easy on us Pakistanis. A lot has been going on in the political as well as economic sphere, and to add to the misery, the frequently occurring terrorist activities have suffocated a common citizen like me. I am neither a political activist nor any party affiliate. I’m just an ordinary citizen who is victimized and manipulated time and again by the media, political leaders and various institutions. Well, this is not a political blog so I’m not going to worry you with the matters of the state. But point here is that living in this part of the world; every day is a struggle between life and death. I mean who’d have thought in their wildest dreams that they’ll go out for a normal day to day shopping and will end up being dead or severely injured in the Peshawar market blast. Sometimes I think if there was to be a vulnerability calculating machine, we’d have definitely achieved the highest figures. Well yes, I know we wouldn’t have. This is another problem. Considering that there are countries which are in worse situation than us; it gives us little right to complain. But there are two standards of comparison, we can either look at the developed countries and mourn at our state or look at countries like Nigeria and Somalia, and try feeling better about ourselves. For me, the standard of comparison has always been the former, so I’m always seen criticizing my country, and well, I won’t be stopping anytime soon.

Anyway, this wasn’t something I wanted to blog about. There’s an additional misery in our lives, and that’s illness and diseases. Recently one my friends died of Swine Flu. Honestly speaking, I had never taken any news about swine flu seriously. For me it had always been like, angraizoun ki bemari, and a result of their own karma. Obviously, what else am I supposed to think when I grew up listening to people say that even uttering the word PIG is considered haraam! And I guess I wasn't the only one; terming it as the disease of non –Muslims, the government officials ignored the precaution to be taken in the spread of this deadly disease. And according to an official release, 10 people including seven women died of swine flu in the country amongst which one of them was my friend.

She was my classmate, my best friend in school and a very happy-go-lucky person. She had gotten married about 10 months ago and was expecting since the last 5 months. I hear people say that pregnant women are four times more likely to be affected by this flu as compared to a normal person. I have stories to tell about this friend of mine, I’ve spent a good childhood with her, we were almost like family friends, but I’m not going to add any of this here right now; I’m just emotionally drained.
Rest in peace, my friend.

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

2009-10-21T01:10:00.005+06:00

I am so overjoyed at the moment. I think if there’s one good thing that all the past days’ sickness has done to me – it must be that it brought my friends closer to me. Actually they were always close, only I didn’t realize. I think I now know how so truly blessed I am to have people who truly love me, around me!

A special thanks to Her [she knows who ;-) ], my old neighbors (Zainab, Sakina and Fatima) and all my friends at uni. I.e. Kiran, Ifrah, Dilaira, and Batool! Oh and a very special thanks to kiran’s mum. Her prayers and love made me weep with joy. Cheers to all of you for being there for me, for all the love, support, care and duas. I now don’t care if my wound heals or not, if it looks ugly or goes back to normal, I am just happy that I have people who genuinely care, genuinely love, and genuinely stick around! Thank you all! =)

2009-10-17T17:58:00.006+06:00

Bad things have started to happen with me and around me. Just yesterday night I had kept something in the oven for baking and while I was away, my oven exploded, scattering tiny pieces of glass all over the place. Had someone been in the kitchen, they'd have been either burnt cause of heat or injured severely due to the flying pieces of glass, but thankfully nothing bad happened.

Earlier this week when I was baking pizza, a portion of my left hand got burnt simply because I wasn’t too careful in handling the pan and so the entire pizza pan fell on my hand. The burn was pretty bad. All the layers of my skin had swept away leaving a bare patch on my hand, but that’s not it.

Earlier today as I was rushing out of my apartment to go to college, I almost slipped on the stairs when my reflexes came into action and my right hand instantly grabbed the nearby iron rod - to prevent me from slipping down the stairs. The damned iron rod was not only rusty but was also sharp, so much that my index figure was cut, badly. I don’t know how to describe so look at the image and try to picture it in reality.

The first thought that came in my mind was that WTF is wrong with me! And that’s the very moment when tears started to flow like a river. To tell you honestly, I have had really massive bad turns in my life but never have I acted like this before. I am the person who would never ever cry in public. I had things in my control no matter what the circumstances but today I don’t know what happened. I seemed to have had lost all the control. I just couldn’t stop crying. The doctor actually got offended. She was like ‘I have done the best I could have done so will you just stop crying!’ Little did she know that it wasn’t even about her. It was as though something inside me was wrecked so bad that for once I had allowed myself to forget about controlling myself or what people may think - and just react however my system wanted to. Anyway, getting back to the wound, after what seemed like years in prison, I was taken to the operation theater and a surgery took place. The surgeon was talking on the phone inside the O.T. so you can imagine how much I’d have trusted her or the entire damned hospital which just couldn’t take a girl sobbing lightly in one corner of their huge building. Well, so now I have canula (however u spell that) on one hand and broken/cut figure attached to the other hand. The fate of the wounded figure is yet to be decided. As for now it’s dysfunctional and the doc. told me to pray for the chances that it gets back to normal, someday. I’m typing these series of unfortunate incidents with my left hand and I have like 3 assignments and an hourly week lined up. I don’t really know what’s next in my fate, but for now I think I’ve crippled my future with my own two hands.

"Truth is the only safe ground to stand on"

2009-09-24T17:32:00.003+06:00

The other day I was having this conversation with a friend about the Junaid Jamshaid (JJ) statement regarding the stampede that occurred here in Karachi on 14th September ‘09. In a nutshell what happened was: Poor people died collecting free food and JJ held them responsible for their own deaths. His views: “Why did they have to go to collect free food when Allah will take care for the provision of sustenance to the hungry” (If someone is interested in following the entire JJ debate please go to http://tazeen-tazeen.blogspot.com/) Now my friend thought that JJ is partly correct in declaring what he declared where as I was of the notion that he is off beam from top to bottom. Friend said: people shouldn’t have gone to collect free food in the first place. It’s beggary! They should hold their heads high and retain their pride by earning their sustenance rather than waiting for the news of freely distributed food and running after it like beggars. I reasoned it and I negated. Firstly I don’t even think this is beggary and secondly I refuse to believe that a poor person who is unable to fulfill the ‘basic needs’ of his entire family (even while working day & night) will avoid or hesitate to get his hands on the little extra help being provided by anyone in the world. I’d quote "There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread" -- Mahatma Gandhi

So I was asked “if you were poor would you have done the same? Would you have gone out to collect free food?” I said most definitely I would have stepped out if I had six crying children waiting to be fed! My friend said you’re just saying; you wouldn’t have gone! Why because your pride wouldn’t have allowed you to do so. So basically my friend was saying it’s not in my blood to act like a beggar - whatever the circumstances.

This led to the discussion of Nature Vs Nurture. Will a beggar’s son always turn out to be a beggar? And thieves’ thief? Let’s try to figure it out!

There are people/scientists who say that when you are born you have a set of values, morals, ethics and principles. These are pro-nature people. They say that when you grow up you only develop those innate values further and act upon them, but never acquire new set of values or change your previous values or beliefs which were given to you by birth. If you question them as to how exactly does this by birth knowledge come to us? They tell you that it’s transmitted through the genes. In short: For them, everything is genetically predetermined. The Nature Theory say that not only are characteristics like eye color and hair color transmitted through the genes but more abstract traits such as intelligence, personality, aggression, and sexual orientation are also encoded in an individual's DNA. Now there are a lot of questions in my mind. Is there a gene which even determines/restricts/formulates thought process and what a person may or may not believe in?! Isn’t that almost unfair? But then who said everything is going to be fair?!? (Religious thoughts aside)

Now, the counter theory of the nurture school of thought deems environment to be responsible for the behavioral aspects of the individuals such as personality, beliefs, sexual orientations etc. Quoting an extract from www.about.com, “If environment didn't play a part in determining an individual's traits and behaviors, then identical twins should, theoretically, be exactly the same in all respects, even if reared apart. But a number of studies show that they are never exactly alike, even though they are remarkably similar in most respects”

So what’s the conclusion? They say that both Nature and Nurture have a 50-50 share in shaping the life of an individual. In some cases you are born that way whilst in others you are so and so because you were taught to be so and so! But coming back to my question, will a beggar’s son only become a beggar? well ‘cause then technically that’s the inherited intellectual level that he has!

Here’s what I think. When a baby is born he/she obtains several physical traits such as eye color, hair color etc from their parents’ DNA. And not discarding the lifelong researches of several genologists I also force myself to accept that behavioral aspects and personality traits might be inherent as well. BUT now that the baby is born with whatever the characteristics and exposed to the environment, the nurture effect takes place and no matter whatever the inherited disabilities or abilities one may possess the environment reshapes them. For e.g. If I were born in a butchers family and was adopted by a professor of science and technology who reared me with love and provided me with a world class education then it is most likely that I would turn out to be an intellectual or scholar rather than what was predetermined through my genes. Hence i'd say nurture the nature because at the end, nurture always saves the day!

Eid-ul-Fitr '09

2009-09-20T20:44:00.003+06:00

So it's "finally" chaand raat (moon sighting night) in Pakistan tonight and Eid is just round the corner. I say finally because in some parts of our country this auspicious occasion of Eid was celebrated today where as others are going to celebrate tomorrow. Reason for this divided celebrations: Moon sighting issues. Anyhow, so it's Eid tomorrow!!! Meaning loads of food, sweets, relatives gatherings, and Eidi (cash given to children by the elders symbolizing festivity)

I am counting on my Eidi so that I can change my phone! The one I have right now was won by me in a Radio contest (FM 96). But it lasted just one year. Thanks to Sony Ericson S500i's crappy manufacturing team.

Well it's time for me to go the parlor to get my eyebrows done. (It sure is a rare sight, me in a parlor) but well I better go!

On a personal note: I still don’t believe Ramadan is over so soon! Although I won’t say I'm sad, 'cause I really ain't! Dare you ask me why, and I'll burden you with my elaborate cooking indulgence stories!

Posts I never posted

2009-09-18T05:58:00.017+06:00

Well, the heading says it all. Basically I was cleaning my notes section on the computer today and found out that there are plenty of posts which I had written on my computer however never thought of posting them on my blog. So today I thought why not just post them? Just for the record! May be my grandchildren can read these and have something to laugh about? Lol anyway, For now, I’m going to post just three of my previously unpublished posts. So here they are:

Written on July 03, 2009:

The compliments I am getting these days are truly overwhelming. Nah- I don’t intend to brag about myself, but honestly look at this. “10 years from now I can imagine you being a ‘philosophy’ teacher” said one of my friends at the university. I had a good laugh at this one, cause seriously I did aspire to become a Philosopher someday, though I don’t see myself there anymore. But hey, there’s more to swank about. No, this one is really something to be proud about. I got this one-liner comment at the end of my last assignment which I handed in to my Advance Writing Skills teacher. It says ‘you were a wonderful addition to my class!’ I mean seriously! I couldn’t help but blush. It was great having her as a teacher really, Pakistani students desperately need teachers such as her who truly know what professionalism is, and one great thing about her was her non-biasness. She treated everyone equally no matter how good you are in your academic standing, and her purpose was something which a teacher should have and that is to ‘teach’. So as I said, it was great to have her a s a teacher though what’s funny is how I always referred to her as my ‘American Teacher’

Written on August 03, 2009

Just before I opened Microsoft word, I had so many words waiting to come out that I could hardly contain anything in my head, but suddenly all that is gone and I am left with nothing great to say. Oh well, that’s where the facts can help, it’s 5:15 in the morning, and the date reads: 3rd August 2009. I was fast asleep two hours ago but all of a sudden I woke up and can’t seem to fall asleep again. May be it was so that this post could come into existence, or may be not!

I have a blend of multiple emotions at this particular moment in time and I am strongly missing mum and her unconditional love. Honestly speaking, nothing happened, nobody said anything bad to me, I had a perfectly fine day with nothing imposed on me or any disagreements with anyone, yet here I am, feeling low and defeated at the end of this perfectly normal day.

You know how you miss old times sometimes and wish against all odds that time could rewind itself, and you could play the movie of your life from there on. Well, let’s say if I were given this option, then I would rewind time to that point where my entire family lived together, which would mean rewinding my sister’s marriage and mums ever so painful departure. About my mum: She was like this cool mum with a happy spirit of life and energy touching the sky. She was my as well as my sister’s friends’ dream mum. And well this might sound a little insensitive but I honestly think that losing a mother isn’t THAT hard, but losing the mother I had is indescribable. (Or may be everybody thinks the same way about their mothers. I wouldn’t know)

Oh another feeling crawled into my skin right now! This one appears needy of being with someone who would take in all my dreadful traits and still care about me without any judgments.

Oh thank God, here comes the batch of tears skidding through my cheeks. Better take off now.

Written on: June 26, 2009

Disclaimer: Incomplete post/ranting. Bear with it ;-)

I hate it when this happens to me! This idea of performing under a certain required condition. I hate it because it takes away one’s freedom. The unfavorable surroundings impose restrictions; you are no longer the master of your own will, but a slave who follows the orders of a perfect condition. Anyway, that complicated analysis signified just that I had to wait a whole three hours for the house to fall silent so that I could put pen to paper. How sad it is to know that the birth of my own thought is dependent on external factors. But more then that, I hate the fact that I almost always have to start my posts with something which is absolutely not related to the content of my to-be posted post. Guess that’s how my thoughts are - unpredictable.

..a little sweet, a little sour..

2009-09-07T00:24:00.005+06:00

I am spending almost around five to six hours daily on the internet these days yet I was too lazy to open one useful website and register for my university courses on time! So I paid a fine of PKR 1000 for late registeration! Now that's by far the most expesnive lesson I've ever purchased! so that wins this news, the elegibility to be blogged.

And blog reminds me that I ignored my blog for yet another month this time, or is it two? Well considering how busy a personality I am, am sure my great grand children will understand why I blogged so less during my teens!

oh wait, I had my birthday last month! Now that deserves to be blogged as well ;-) Well it was pouring so badly in karachi on my Birthday that it was depressing! Why because our consititution doesn't allow us to have electricity and rain together! But well, it still was a better birthday (comparitively) Thanks to my old neighbours.

By the way, its ramazan these days (Islamic month) so that should surely be on my blog! Although I think my religiousity has been rationalized to such an extent that the standard pakistani people might start to question. But... "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." -Galileo Galilei (1564-1642)

So that's it for now! oh by the way, I am listening to this Nasheed alot these days, so why should this detail be left out? Lol here, enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKEkkStf678

Goodbye F.R.I.E.N.D.S

2009-07-30T17:06:00.007+06:00

I have a knot down my throat right now, and I am going to put the word ‘cranky’ as an in charge for the perfect description of my current mood. And whoever wants to know the reason should swear by his laughing muscles that my reason would not be made fun of, and will be taken as a serious note for future reference.
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So basically if I were to submit an absent note to the blogosphere for my absence then it would voice out the fact that I’ve been addicted lately and due to the powerful impact of the drug, I was unable to keep up with the reality of my existence
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Now, let’s break it for the scared souls skimming through the post! I was addicted to watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S – The TV Show! (Something which the world is over and done with) And now that I am catching up with the world and through with all the ten seasons of this soap opera, I feel such intense loss, it’s partly terrifying.

Addiction is bad, somebody did tell me that, but it sure has temporary advantages. The time I spent watching all those 10 seasons in one go is beyond description. It was as though my reality had transformed and I was a part of their (the cast members’) reality. It feels so bad to sound that dumb publically by pronouncing myself as one of those people who run after celebrities and look them up but I can’t help it. I did look them up on twitter and Facebook and Google and God knows where else, but the point is, it never really works. I mean looking up celebrities and finding them to catch up with their lives sure must be someone’s past time, but it isn’t mine. The only reason I care to do that is to get more of them, more of their humor, leg pulling, sarcasm and chemistry (in case of friends cast members) but as I said, it doesn’t work. Every time I look up a celebrity I feel so bad that it depresses me. They are nothing like what I think they may be. And this makes me realize that I was in love with the characters and not the actual celebrities. And I know that I sound like a silly six year old stating out the facts that everybody already knows, but who cares, I made friends in f.r.i.e.n.d.s and I lost them, that’s all I know for now.

By the way, I think its Lisa Kudrow’s (Phoebe) birthday today, so well, Happy Birthday!

"Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest”

2009-07-01T15:38:00.008+06:00

I don’t know why human beings are tuned by default to opt for happiness and maintain a happy disposition. Why is it so necessary to be happy? Why are we required to choose pleasure instead of pain? Honestly speaking, pleasure is so temporary and brief that it can’t be trusted. Pleasure and happiness makes you dependent on it, you are composed and poised just till the time you possess the means which are the provider of sufficient happiness. In other words, you don’t have any control, all the control is with that medium or person who provides you happiness. You on the other hand are descending to the lowest abyss to trade in happiness for yourself. It’s almost like surviving on somebody else’s living. How pathetic, and all that for something they call ‘happiness’, I don’t think it’s worth the buy. Firstly its pure selfishness, second it’s too dependent, thirdly it’s temporary hence hurtful. So basically people who opt for happiness - although at someone else’s expense - also get to meet pain on their way. So let me get this straight, when you run after someone who makes you happy, you are doing the following:

1. Being too selfish about what you want, and your own happiness.
2. Living on somebody else’s kindness.
3. Making yourself miserable by giving out your love (because that makes you happy) to someone who doesn’t require it.

One sided relationships are like this. You run after and chase those people who make you happy. You get excited, you want to do everything for them, with them, to them, and you want to share everything you have with them, everything you do with them, everything you feel with them. And in all that, you fail to consider that the person you are chasing is not interested, so your excitements can irritate them, your dreams are a burden they don’t wish to carry (and should not carry), your chase annoys them, and the only reason they are resisting their urge to put you off is because they have innate tendencies to remain kind. They don’t want suffering for you (or anybody else in the world), so they are being as selfless as it’s in their power to be, they are being tolerant and patient with you because they are happy that they can help someone from being miserable, what pure acts of altruism, and on the other hand, what is that person declaring his love doing? Involving in utter selfishness! I think kind people deserve better. Way better! and I think people who run after other people looking for love should be shot to death, because their obsessions, passions, aspirations for one particular person is not reason enough for the other person to like them as well. People who cut their wrists because they love someone who doesnt love back are the lamest people on earth because their love is not needed, if they are offering it, too bad, but it’s not required and it’s NOT that other person’s fault.

This post is for those people... people who give their love to someone because that person makes them happy. I need to tell these people to stop it right away. One sided love is a synonym to being selfish. I ask you, oh people, to stop trying too hard to make yourself happy. Happiness is an illusion, pain is reality, once you accept it, you will find it easier, to live alone, and not be dependent on someone else’s kindness. Being lonely is not that hard. I beg you, oh selfish people, to let go of those kind people whom you care about, because that is best for them. For yourself, being alone and painful is the best option.

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self, so therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.” - Khalil Jibran

P.S.: People who are interested in reading more about Pain and pleasure should read Paulo Coelho’s “Eleven Minutes”. This book has perspective changing tendencies.

What is ordinary for half of the world is something that I long for

2009-06-27T22:20:00.005+06:00

I was on twitter today, viewing random pictures, and I want time to capture my instant thoughts as I viewed this picture, because my unprompted impulsive thoughts represent something. It represents my present, and that of many other people who live in these developing countries like me, and compromise on a day to day basis. We have nothing but dreams and hopes, for a better tommororw.

And this is what i thought as I saw the picture:

I too want to see bullet trains out of my window. I too want to walk on clean roads and breathe dirt free air. I too want a life free of people peeping out at whatever you do. I too want to wander on the streets at night and not be afraid of being shot. I too want all that freedom which would enable me to use my own two eyes, my own hands and feet - whatever way I want. Is that too much to ask?

2009-06-23T13:02:00.010+06:00

You should add a new rule to your rule book: Respect what your elders say and learn to accept what they say, without making them say it over and over again.

Last night as I read these words on my phone, I realized how we all have grown up listening to these kind of statements and conventions all our lives. Since day one you are told, Listen to your elders, Accept whatever they say, do not argue or try convincing them to change their minds, they know better, they know what’s good for you and what’s not. Well honestly speaking, tell me how many of you agree? It really wasn’t a conscious attempt but my mind couldn’t resist the urge to rationally challenge this convention’s authenticity. Forgive me if I am doing anything against the specified moral codes, but I can’t help it. The philosophies to which our society subscribes must be tested and dependable. If it’s going to be just another product of human conformity, than I am sorry, but I beg to differ.

As a matter of fact, nobody knows what’s better for someone; nobody knows if it’s good for me to marry that guy, that family, that business man and a man of so and so specification, in fact nobody even knows if it’s good for me to marry at all! (Don’t freak out, I’m using marriage just an example). Older people use their experience-knowledge to combat this uncertainty, but you know what, it isn’t of much help. I believe in the individualistic school of thought. I believe that every individual is different from the other to such a degree that we cannot go into generalizing things. More than making it simpler, it complicates matters in the long run.

Without any more drifting away from what I intend to say, here I go, declaring it - plain and simple. “I do not think that this rule of accepting whatever elders say is an appropriate one”. Had I accepted everything my elders told me to do, I would have never ended up in a college which taught be so much, I would have never gotten to know the best person living on this planet (my teacher), and I would have never been able to discover so much that I have discovered now. My Mamo, who lives in UAE now, was a rebel case in his childhood. He so wanted to go study in America that he applied to the university silently, applied for visa and everything on his own, and then begged on his knees to his father to let go of him, cause he won’t let him! And this I’m talking about is 30 years ago when children in this part of the world couldn’t even think of breaking a general conversation with their fathers, and weren’t supposed to have an opinion. Today, out of my nana’s three sons, the one who is doing “the best” is my mamo who chose to rebel. He knew that he knew better, because its not possible for anybody else to know what is better for him. He is at one of the most respectable position today, supporting his whole family. He drives a freaking awesome Ferrari, and hasn’t deviated a tad from his religion, values, and morals, as was expected of him when he left for America.

So, If you are reading this, I want to tell you that trying to convince elders is not that I am not respecting them. I respect you, and you know that, I care for you, and you know that, but is it always going to be this way? Will you always consider yourself as someone twenty years elder than me, and so all I say is trash and all you say is to be accepted as it is just because you are elder than I am? That’s unfair, you know it! Had I accepted your disagreement on the idea of communicating after my days at that place were done, had I not convinced you, we would have never gotten to know each other today. Boundaries.. what good do they do? What good are they capable of doing? You have made the last two years bearable for me, you have kept me moving on daily basis, you are the one who has kept me standing on this ground. You know it all so well! but i'll tell you, limitations and rules are the bridges which will only take us half way there, we will make discoveries and spend a time of our lives, we will be capable of laughing and crying together, we will unveil alot more than we ever expected out of each other, but these bridges will only take us halfway there. The last few steps are to be taken alone. These steps are a war against conventions, against the generalization of what is possible, against the impossibility of the idea of what is possible!

“Everything is simpler than you think and at the same time more complex than you imagine”

2009-06-15T21:31:00.007+06:00

Relationships are complicated, because human beings are complicated and there is no way we can stop them from being what they are, that is, complicated. Speaking for myself, I am a concrete example of what I’m talking about. Twisted, Self-contradictory, and absolutely abnormal; yeah that’s me. Let’s not forget here that there actually is a school of thought which believes that the only people who are normal are the ones you don’t know about! So basically, we all are abnormal in our sweet ways. Well that was just for self defense, coming back to relationships; I have no idea where to start from. Okay, May be we can discuss what happened yesterday. Well I left her three good text messages starting from 2 in the afternoon and stopping at 9 at night however I didn’t get an answer. This is pretty unusual, because she always answers. So I was basically getting anxiety attacks, and dude I couldn’t take my mind off her. But you know what; it’s not about HER NOT ANSWERING ME! Or maybe it is, but I really do want to give her the personal space she is used to of having, I don’t want her to feel bound to answer all the time when she doesn’t feel like it, I don’t want to seize her freedom of whatever she wants to do. I don’t want her to want me, I want her to WANT to WANT me! Eh? Confused, Okay, let me put in a better way, see I could have called her up anytime yesterday and could have made sure if everything is fine and all, but I didn’t do that, because I don’t want to bother her or make her think something like ‘Oh next time I better reply either I want to or not, or else this little irritating creature would call me up and I will have to bear listening to her unstoppable mushy talks’.

Well ok I admit she won’t think anything like that, she’s been very nice to me all this time and the truth is that THIS is what I am afraid of. I don’t want to take advantage of her consideration, I want to be happy with whatever part of her is with me at this moment, but then, there are my beliefs, the schools of thoughts I believe in, and I believe in reciprocity, I want to return what she has given to me time and again, which includes support, happiness, meaning, compassion, advice, guidance, suggestion and all that stuff, but for that I need to know when she wants that, I need to KNOW and she would never tell me anything. When I need support I tell her, I plainly tell her what went wrong and how I mishandled, how I was hurt, how someone did this or that to me, but she would never tell me anything. I try digging in every day, every single day I ask her to tell me how her day was but every day the answer is just fine or busy or okay. I can’t assume when she had a bad day and needs consolation, I can’t assume when to support her, I can’t assume when to be there for her, unless she tells me and she wouldn’t. I thought that asking was a good option but you know, it’s not a good option. Ever filled a questionnaire about anything? People who have would know, how direct questions do not help and besides it can really irritate the hell out of the other person, and I am in no position to cause any sort of irritation here, I already am a very irritating person by default.

Sometimes I just wonder if this is the person I wanted to be. Well, I don’t think so! I am the person who used to call my sister an Emotional fool every time she appeared emotionally inclined towards something or someone, I am the person who would never cry in public or show myself as a weaker body, I am the person who would never tell people I love them, I would never utter those words, not to my own mother as well, cause that makes me appear weak, vulnerable, and emotional. I preferred being insensitive, I was that kind who you’d say is full of arrogance, stubborn, unbendable, bossy and someone who would never suck up to people for any reason what so ever, but now, I don’t know, what is becoming of me. Was I not I then? Or am I not me now? Or maybe we just change with time; maybe we adjust our sails with the new winds and maybe at times, no matter what our history is, we do find ourselves bending towards people to blow for us when we are falling short on a lungful of air.

"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”

2009-06-05T03:54:00.017+06:00

The other day I wrote an unpublished post on self-love, inspired by a blogger (adhisha’s) recent post on love and the like. The message I deciphered from that post amounts to the idea that we all must love ourselves in the first place before trying our hands on being the apple of somebody else’s eye. Reason though is very plausible. It voices out the fact that those who cannot love thy self cannot possibly be capable of giving love to others. And I have nothing to disagree here. Although I must cleanly confess that even after spending a good twenty years of my life in the sheer company of my body and my soul, I haven’t really drawn closer enough to be friends with myself, let alone the idea of loving myself! And this certainly is a quirk of fate, very demeaning I must say. But well I have a valid argument which proclaims how awfully hard it is to love yourself considering you are well-aware of “all” your shortcomings and transgressions which disgust you every time you make an effort to step ahead and give yourself a try. And then no matter how much you resist, the counter argument does pop up in your head, making you realize that nobody ever said it’s going to be all beer and skittles every time. Love, after all, is not a synonym for perfection.

Today I just happened to bump into this another blog where I read the writer’s painful account of coming face to face with the underlying truth in Oscar Wilde's assertion that perhaps the only lifelong romance is 'to love oneself', and once again I couldn’t agree more. The truth is that all our lives--in the name of love, we try to seek comfort in other people. Our whole life starts to revolve around that one person and nothing else seems to matter to us. Not even our own selves! Everything we do then is an attempt to please our beloved and we go as off limit as mortgaging our souls to make things work out. Bear with me if you think I may be generalizing too much here, but the point is, do we still find the comfort we were looking for in the first place? Selling ourselves (as some of us would do by being vulnerable and compromising on things which cannot be compromised) to gain love can never bring any sort of comfort; in fact we fall even deeper in the abyss and then on a later date when we realize that the comfort we had been running after—seeking in some other human body is not to be found there, and that’s when things start to fall apart. Bonds crack, yet we still do not understand what went wrong. We put the blame on who-so-ever and after we are over the ‘getting over’ phase, we once again venture out searching a dwelling in another heart which shows potential to provide comfort that we long for.

After life long experiments, it all comes down to this little fact that the most delightful and satisfying of comforts made available to human beings lies not in other people’s liking of us, but in our liking of ourselves. Because the truth is that only one form of love can lead us to the next! And only after loving ourselves can we find that famous version of being loved that is known to bring comfort to the human soul.

“A cheerful frame of mind, reinforced by relaxation... is the medicine that puts all ghosts of fear on the run.”

2009-05-31T22:15:00.007+06:00

After having four jalebies, a dozen multicolored sugar balls, a number of acerbic pani puries and a large glass of coke, I think now I am in the right state of mind to put pen to paper with absolute surety that nothing gloomy would produce itself on the paper. Providing that detail only signifies how, for some people, it takes a little effort from their side to put them in that ‘feel good’ frame of mind where as for some others this feeling-good attribute comes naturally--so damn naturally that I can’t help but wonder! However, that doesn’t prove anything. Especially not the fallacious detail that life is unfair for some of us. I think we all should make a conscious attempt in order to feel good, because after all is said and done, after all the dark soul searching and self-analysis, it’s just happiness that we want for ourselves and others, no matter how much some of us may deny. So here's my blog-readers' share of multicolored sugar balls, wolf down peeps!

“No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.”

2009-05-30T22:57:00.010+06:00

I believe I am the worst person on the face of this planet when it comes to parenting. Yeah I know, I am not a parent yet, but I do have parental responsibilities which I owe to my twelve year old sisters--who, being motherless, are obviously dependent on me for everything; big or small. What makes me a bad caregiver is that I am still in the process of discovering myself and I have a lot of shortcomings, as described in the previous post. I have self imposed boundaries which do not let me do what I want to do. I hate going out to parties and weddings or even normal shopping, I hate meeting people, and I am a case of paranoia. I care too much about what people may think, I have a dark and cloudy inner self and above all I am a victim of mood-swings. I am always served cold and impatient towards children who like being what they are, i.e. children. Now, all these shallow attributes of my being have made me realize that this may be the way I want to live my life; confined at home, not wanting to go out and meet new people, but this surely is not how my sisters would want to live their lives. And I think my sisters have made it quite evident now that they fall under the category of normal out-going people who’d love to hangout and go to parties, mosques and mall-ing for the heck of it. Irony is I can’t let them go on their own; because as I mentioned, they are just twelve, so I have to stick along -- something which I would resist to imply from every possible direction, unless there is absolutely no way out. And even in cases like that when none of my excuses would work then I’d just make such a fuss out of the whole thing that their sweet little hearts--demanding something very genuine--would die before their wish would materialize.

The point, however, is that I don’t want to be this. This monster who is spoiling their lives. I don’t want to spoil mine either. I have all the freedom in the world to go anywhere and everywhere I want to. I have all the money in the world to use it on anything and everything (okay may be that’s an exaggeration -- dad won’t buy me an MacBook =/ ) and now, since I have a long vacations worth two and a half months, I even have all the time in the world to go out and have fun, but sadly I don’t! I just remain selfishly settled in my own little comfort zone and would refuse to trade it with anything. I think I am just ignoring the concrete little fact that one of the reasons why I didn’t sign up for any sort of internship for this summer break was because I decided that I wanted to spend time with my family and I wanted to give all my time to my two sisters who yearn for it badly. What is keeping me from doing what is required of me to do? I think THIS is absolutely what I meant when I first termed the expression “SELF-IMPOSED-BOUNDERIES”.

I promised my sisters that I would take them to this recreational center today where they could signup for art classes conducted this summer, but I didn’t go. I promised them I would pick up their clothes from the tailor, but I didn’t go. I promised them I would go for swimming with them, but I sent them alone when all the while I sat at home doing nothing that was worth doing. I am sick of coming up with new excuses everyday. Sick of running away from facing the world!

To mom: I hate the fact that strangers get all my love and people around me are stuck up with me and my some crappy limitations theory which doesn’t even exist. I will work this out, I promise I will.

"Observe all men; thy self most"

2009-05-28T22:43:00.010+06:00

I was telling this friend of mine today about how I feel that I have somehow created these unseen 'self imposed boundaries' around myself which refrains me from doing certain thing(s). Boundaries which do not allow me to liberate myself, boundaries which have no material form or addresser, these are just in my mind and I somehow try to find a material cause of these boundaries, just so that I have something to put the blame on. The friend didn’t seem to understand what I meant, but I am sure there is something quite abnormal going on within me and I swear I need to address it to myself; I really need to understand what is wrong! So for that I’ve thought of tracing my own past. I’ll share the little I recall of my behavior in the form of incidents and I’ll leave it on the readers to decide for what they think about it.

Incident number one: Quite a number of years ago when me and family used to live in our old apartment, that’s when I and my other two siblings i.e. my eldest sister and my brother shared one room (don’t freak out, we were just children then). So, this room had two single beds which were joined together to make one double bed so that all three of us could easily fit on it. My brother slept on one side of the bed and my sister on the other where as I occupied the middle portion. Now, from what I can recall, I always squeezed myself inside the tiny bent portion which is acquired by joining two single beds. It was actually a piece of wood on which I used to sleep. My sister would ask me to move in on her side of the bed (there was plenty of soft mattress for me, I assure you all) but I would just remain there on the hard wood instead of the soft mattress. Why though is the question! Who likes to sleep on the piece of a log anyway?

Incident number two: I go to the university in a van. One day when I was picked up from my point, there was just one seat which was left to be occupied in the entire coaster so I took that seat and settled myself on it. After a while the van stopped in front of a girl’s house who apparently travelled in the same van as me but I certainly didn’t know her. She approached the van and scanned it to spot a vacant seat which was obviously not there. In cases like that, what the subject or the ‘victim-of-no-seat’ is supposed to do is to sit on the only vacant hard base place where everyone keeps their bags and stuff. Well, while that girl was deciding what to do, I removed the bags from that hard base and situated myself on that rock hard and uncomfortable area leaving my cushion like soft seat for that girl whom I didn’t even know.

Incident number three: It’s like 42 degrees centigrade in Karachi these days. The human meat can literally cook at this temperature (or may be that’s an exaggeration) but here’s the smart me who turns off the fan and locks herself in the room when she is angry and mad at something or someone. I mean who in the world does that? When no one is looking at you why would you want do that? I’d totally understand that kind of behavior as a response of your anger if “there is” someone who is watching you. Like people do go on food strike and stuff like that but that’s a protesting behavior. Here I'm in no way protesting (I think), or if I am, then who am I protesting to? I mean I'm shutting down the fan, okay no big deal, but shutting down the only cool thing in such a weather, knowing that no one is watching you is freaky! WHY THE HELL WOULD SOMEONE DO SUCH A THING?

Incident number four: I recall my childhood days when I and my elder sister used to play teacher-teacher with each other. She always wanted to become the teacher so I would tell her that I’d let her be the teacher only If she promises me that she’ll become a tough teacher who would punish her students, hits them hard and indulge in giving very strict punishments. I, for that matter would become the student on who she would have to practice her cruelty. She would refuse to do such a thing on my face and I’d declare that I am not playing if she refuses to be tough on me.

All of the above incidents have one common feature and that is the fact that I’ve been hard on myself. Why is that so? Why do I give up on my comfortable seat for some XYZ person and accept the pain in my butt as my fate? Why did I sleep on the piece of a wood when I had the remainder of the bed available for me? Why do I make myself sweat and dehydrate when I am provided with an air-conditioner in my room? Why did I want my sister to be tough on me in this game we were to play, when I would always hit her back in all the fights which we had in real life scenario (apart from the game)?

Am I one of those people who’d like to constantly indulge in self-pity? Or did I do all of the above to gain attention of who-so-ever?! Do I actually like being in pain? Or is it that I value that smooth light-headed effect which comes after the pain -- and that acts as a reason for me to want to be in pain?

"There's a lot of fear connected with the inner journey because it penetrates our illusions. Taking the inner journey will lead you into some very shadowy places. You're going to learn things about yourself that you'll wish you didn't know. There are monsters in there—monsters you can't control—but trying to keep them hidden will only give them greater power."

So what, I'm still a rock star...

2009-05-24T17:01:00.015+06:00

Alright guys, lets drag a brand new attitude and get that *bling*bling* party on! Heck with the moaning and groaning over what’s not in the world, whose corrupt and blah blah! Let’s just enjoy for a change, with little stuff that we have in our hands! Like for instance, American Idol *Grin*. For people who are wondering what has go into me, I’d say I’m high - Over the sky – not wanting to come down! And the good part is that there is no reason behind me flying high! Had there been a material or even a non-material reason, I would’ve soon landed on the ground! And this time, I’m not getting down. Na.. Na.. Anyway, whoever wants to get into this party mood along with me should listen to this track by Pink, It's called ‘So What’ and this is the tenth time that I am listening to it! Scream along people…

So, so what, I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't need you
And guess what, I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright, I'm just fine and you're a fool
So, so what, I am a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't want you tonight

Those who followed American Idol’s eight season would be surprised, amazed, or may be disappointed that Kris Allen took the title away. Personally, I am very happy with America’s choice, I wanted Kris to win deep down, though I didn’t want Adam to loose either. One of the reasons Adam didn’t get enough votes could be that he is a gay guy, how many of you think this is a plausible reason? Besides, what’s shocking is that I just got to know it today that Kris is married. I mean he is 23, American, and Married? Are u kidding me? Tip-off: I’m inclined towards appreciation, of course =p

Competitions like American Idol has proved time and again that America; although has problems with a whole lot of stuff, leme highlight its *governmental intervention* in every nations business, yet I am compelled to say that her people and institutions are by far the most well-reared people who demonstrate the greatest quality of professionalism that we can't have anywhere else in the world. Or am I carried away? could it be that they only market themselves to be this way and aren't what I think they are? Well, this again makes them genius! I’ll call them the ‘closest-to-perfect’ imitators of perfection! Congratulations Kris Allen, Now that you are an Idol, I think you’ve enveloped your finances to get a baby for yourself ;-) so Good Luck!

Tracks I’m listening to:
~So what by Pink
~Just chill by John Young
~If I were a boy by Beyonce
~1,2,3,4, by Plain White
~Right now by Akon
~Give a little bit by Goo Goo Dolls
~Gives you hell by All American Rejects
~I’m yours by Jason Marz

Unlimited Desires Burning In A World That Constantly Limits...

2009-05-22T23:49:00.003+06:00

Time to produce another episode of bull-crap! (Oh yeah!) And do not get offended people, even bull-crap is holy, after all, it’s obtained from a source which appears quite a living being in nature, and as you all would have experienced time and again for how well do we; the-resource-hogging-global-warmers A.K.A. ‘humanitarians’, value life and living creature Ha! (Couldn’t resist the gag- sorry lol) Anyway people, don’t care to extract too much sense out of all this; I’m guessing I had a little too much to swallow the other night, which is why I’m daring to be myself. Unknowingly off course! So please, spare me any charges against this act, it won’t happen again—I assure you!

WHAT?!? Did I hear you say that being ones-self is ‘not’ an act to be punished for? Why?! Oh you say, because we live in a world which has established at least this much freedom over the years -- on the basis of the fact that human beings are born free and hence it is their right to express themselves, be their selves and do-as-they-please, unless it doesn’t harm another’s liberty! [*Snort* I need to go spit somewhere! The distaste brought to my tongue while repeating such a phony thought is unbearable!]

There was this child I know, who was having a mini group party in his school-break with his friends, which means that a few friends gathered and brought different eatables for each other and munched in the prescribed break time, just laughing and trying to have a good time, and suddenly the principle emerges from nowhere and publically humiliates them all for having a planned lunch together without the permission of any teacher! Lol I was so shocked to hear this stuff, I mean look at this! Just when a child should be taught about the sharing and caring culture, what we do is pull down their self-esteem and cripple them to an extent where they can’t even do anything as little as gather and have a good time. Follow another incident; with this other child whose entire class was prohibited to go for lunch break for an entire week due to the fact that they were making noise in the “games” period! I mean God help me! What the heck is up with the world? You can’t just do anything at all. I mean, when are the children supposed to be children?

“Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.” -Hans Christian Andersen

“A society that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both”.

2009-05-06T20:17:00.011+06:00

Is there any relationship between bad weather and people’s attitude? I mean really there is got to be one! So that I’ve got a little hope to clung upon, hope that says ‘its temporary honey, it will pass’. Like seriously, People in this part of the world are acting weird! Or could it be that they were always like this? And it’s me who has realized it now? It’s hard to narrate a feeling but honestly all I have noticed people doing in the past two weeks is: impose their wills, limit others freedom, loose self-control, carry egoistic bitchiness and use their physical attributes as their swords.

The other day, my university classmates got into this severe ‘bad-mouthing’ each other. Reason being that the rebels of the class protested against the monarch Class Representative (CR) and his absolute ruling. I mean, he was a democratically elected CR and the opposition had a right to call for referendum but by God, I will never forget the dire consequences of practicing ones lawful right. Thankfully, I made my way in the audience (or may be I’m being a bit dishonest here) but still my life is not threatened. However, saying from what I observed that day -- an ordinary average person who goes by the books, doesn’t suck up to people, minds his own business in times of peace and stands up for his rights in times of war is always crushed and crunched. What an Irony!

Ever heard of the expression; ‘Survival of the fittest?’ If we don’t go into the actual theory behind it and take the literal meaning out of this phrase, then we will realize how much truth it unveils. In all seriousness, only the fittest is surviving; others are merely existing, though the criterion of being ‘fit’ varies from society to society. And then, the criterion varies from place to place as well, like from work place to universities to residential areas; however, a general standard condition of being ‘fit-to-survive’ in Karachi amounts to having the following:

1. Affiliation with the currently ruling political party or dominant opposing party. (Do you sweep the floor in one of the senator’s house? Woah! lucky, you are safe)

2. An elongated list of ‘contacts’ or strong Personal Relations (PR)--as they like it to be called, although I'd prefer to call it ‘sucking up!’ (Sweepers, lab assistants, gatekeepers and the like are equally eligible to have their share in your list of contacts)

3. Good command over the use of abusive language. (Preferably English) *An amazing fact* [just last night while I was in the market, I heard a drifting beggar use the word ‘Compromise’ while talking to his mate! Afterall thats how you climb social leaders in a society that's suffering from identity crisis]

4. Fully developed body parts. *I’m not kidding* (Chances are that your opponent; who as all the other Pakistani citizens is an intense consumer of visual media, will get intimidated by your body and you’d have a higher hand in the battle)

So, wouldn't it be right to say that may be humans act inhuman cause of ill structured societies? Or may be societies are pitiable creations in the first place. May be Jean Jacques Rousseau was right when he said; Humans are inherently good—but it is the society that corrupts.

The Fire That Plagued Our Lives Forever

2009-04-27T22:00:00.001+06:00

5th November 2007, it was 9:00 pm when I, along with my family, watched an Indian soap opera. My house had been undergoing renovation since 15 days. From furniture to wall paints, everything was being changed. Recently it was the lounge which was being painted, so the whole house appeared messy and disorganized, which irritated me! And to add on to my frustration, I hadn’t learnt a word of the test I had the next day. It was the 3rd hourly of my community service course which had a lot of theory to memorize. So, as a trailer broke the continuity of the show, I left dad’s room; where everyone was watching TV, and headed towards my own room. The internet was not working so I had to feed all the test data onto my cell phone. My frustration was growing proportionally with the passage of time - after all I was a 'freshie' first year student, and the number of competitive cells in my blood still outranked the number of slacking cells within me. I was trying to learn the hourly content from my phone when mum came to my room to give me dinner. It was mince meat; I didn’t like it. I made a face which showed my distaste and refused to eat. She forced me that I had to eat some of it, and placing the plate on my bedside table, she left. I went back to reading the text on my phone.

I could hear the twins in the kitchen, asking mum if they could eat their Cornetto’s then. I didn’t hear mum’s reply but I am guessing she must have agreed, for the next thing I heard was mum blaring from the kitchen, asking me if I wanted my ice-cream now or latter. I replied that I didn’t want it now. The soap opera had ended till that time and I could hear its ending melody loud and clear. I also heard dad asking mum for a cup of tea. It was a conventional practice in my house to take tea after dinner, though there were only two people who would consume it at that hour, and it was me and dad. Mum never asked me for tea; the muddy beverage was what coursed through my veins, she knew very well. Yet she came, to see if I had eaten. Her face fell once she saw the untouched plate.
"I dont want to eat!" I shouted, irritated, "Leave me alone!"
"What’s the purpose of making so much food when no one wants to eat it?" She mumbled, taking away the plate. I made an I-don’t-care face as mum left my room. Really, if you ask me now, I really don’t know what was wrong with me; evidently I was mean and self-centered, but more than that, I was a person who took everything for granted. At this point, let me assure you, it was not a war-like situation there. It was normal; I skipped meals all the time, so it wasn’t something unusual. As she left the room I continued to stare at my cell phone. I had an earphone plugged into one of my ears whose other end was attached to my brand new radio device which mum had gifted to me. As soon as the Bryan Adam’s ‘Summer of 69’ ended, the next thing I heard was a blood-curdling scream from a voice which was doubtlessly my mother’s.

If memory serves me right, then I’d say that only half a minute must have passed from the time mum left my room to the time I heard the scream. The voice grew louder as I jumped to my feet– dropping my phone on the floor, separating its battery and back cover from its thick black body. I didn’t stop to pick it up, I just ran out of the room, and as I reached near the kitchen, it seemed like my heart stopped at the sight before my eyes. What happens with me is that my mind tends to stop working in traumatic situations. I don’t understand, don’t register anything at all. So for 2 seconds I stood there absolutely numb! My body was rock hard and ice cold; as if I was paralyzed. Then suddenly I felt my senses rushing back to life. Clearly, my dad and my brother had responded to the screams quicker than I had, as they had reached before me. I saw three people in that place, just outside the kitchen arch. The air was thick with carbon, and a massive fire was smoldering before my eyes, burning the flesh of my mother. I still remember what she was wearing that day. The blue-coloured nylon surrounding her body was melting away quickly; like plastic. My brother and dad were trying to extinguish the fire with a huge red velvet blanket. I hastily grabbed one end of the blanket and helped in putting out the fire which was spreading quickly through out my mother’s body. At that moment, I saw from the corner of my eye that my eleven-year-old twin sisters were trying to approach us. I shouted at them to get back. At the same time dad also ordered them to stand far away, so they did as they were asked to do.

The fire was uncontrollable but after constant struggle of the three of us, we were able to snuff it out. As soon as we did that, mum collapsed on the blanket that we just dropped on the floor. She was silent but conscious. I saw myself falling on my knees, uttering incomplete questions, one after the other, in such urgency that it was incomprehensible. My brother ran downstairs to back the car out of the driveway so that we could go to the hospital, while dad reached out for his phone to ask my grandparents to urgently reach at the hospital where we were headed. The only hope which filled my heart at that moment was the idea that my mum was conscious and speaking to me. She didn’t answer to any of the questions I had asked, instead she told me to bring her a night suit which was loose enough to not touch her damaged skin. I ran into her room, towards the closet, but none of my senses were functioning properly. I was looking straight at the night suit section of her closet but I could not seem to spot any. I repeated again and again, ‘I can’t find it… I can’t find it’, until I found one. I then helped her change in a sitting position at the very place she had falled; under the archway of my kitchen entrance. The parts of the nylon dress which had caught fire appeared like remains of melted plastic, so hard and stiff on her skin that I had to use a pair of scissor to separate it from my mother’s body. It was the last time I felt my mother's fragile body, the last time I helped her in a task, a task which was ever so painful. After I changed her, I helped her up on her feet to leave for the hospital. She placed her hand around my wobbly shoulder and we walked the last walk of our lives, together. I thought to myself; it was wrong, she was too young, young enough to stand on her own feet and guide me through life. she still had a long way to go, I would always be there for her but right now she had to be there for me. Indeed she was damaged; her skin was torn in patches, exposing her bare, skinless, pink flesh. It was bad, very bad, but not so bad that I would even think of questioning her survival. I was absolutely sure that she is going to recover from the burns and it’s just a matter of time till everything is back to normal. I was not being hopeful, I was being realistic, because from what I saw she was superficially burnt but her internal organs appeared fine.

She walked till the car, all the while talking to me, she was breathing fine and nothing internally seemed to be wrong. We reached the Agha khan hospital and she was taken inside the ward in a wheel chair. Every passers by was staring at her. My mother, who was the pageant of beauty a few hours ago, was being stared at for the artifical ugliness of her burnt skin. But that was less heartbreaking than what I overheard a doctor say to another. According to him, that day was a drama day, as their hospital was receiving so many dramatic cases. That smirk which the two doctors exchanged forced me to believe how my mother was being an object of entertainment for others. Anyway, my fingers were burnt too, from snuffing out the fire that plagued our lives, they did not look as bad as my dad’s fingers though. Those fingers were swelling quickly, and so was my mother’s body inside the emergency ward; unattended and alone. It was after several hours that the hospital management told us that they don’t have a burn’s unit, and all this time, they were just providing my mother a mere first aid. Furious but helpless, we shifted her to Patel Hospital, which we later discovered specialized in treating burnt patients. My mother was unconscious by that time and was transported to the other hospital in an ambulance. I sat at the front seat of the ambulance with my mother laying at the back. Everything had settled into my mind by then, I was prepared for what was coming; which according to me was dressing and undressing my mother, helping her eat, drink and walk all her life. I was prepared to give up on everything, whatever it took, to help her get back to life again, but I never got that chance. She passed away after struggling for a day and a half at Patel hospital, where we were told by the doctors that the internal burning of my mother’s lungs was supposed to be stopped right away. Had we not wasted precious hours at Agha khan and brought her straight to their hospital, a life would have been saved, my mother would have been saved, but we wasted a lot of time and it was too late.

Ever since the night I left my house, with my mother’s hand on my shoulder, I don’t find any traits of my old self with in me. After the funeral when I came back to the house, I realized how much everything had changed. I felt like a stranger in my own house. I didn’t know anything, yet I was questioned for everything. I had no idea how to react; the sudden change from being a kid to being a motherly figure didn’t seem to settle in my mind, although the circumstance made sure that it settles in my mind rather quickly. My little sisters looked up to me and from being a person taking everything as granted, I found myself being taken as granted. I was transformed completely, from being loved to being an embodiment of love for others, from being selfish to being selfless, from being careless to being a care giver. The minced meat dinner which was handed to me in my room was the last of its kind. After that day, all my dinners were cooked and severed to me by myself, and I was sure to hear no voice forcing me to have my dinners, even if I starved myself to death. My mother’s death reshaped my whole life.

“We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.”

2009-04-23T00:40:00.009+06:00

I was actually thinking of writing about the upcoming shape of Pakistan under the rule of half baked barbaric alims commonly termed as ‘Talibans’. In case you are not following, I shall tell; considerable changes, for worse, have occurred presently. Here is a proof for the heart that beseeches truth, and that is; as I spell taliban in lower case on Microsoft word, it instantly showed a red line and gave me the corrected version of this word, which is with a capital T. ‘Taliban!’—So, even Microsoft word acknowledges them! Isn’t that a message?

The internet sphere is chock-full with a little more than a gazillion number of articles which have talked about the miseries that the outbreak of talibans in Pakistan would cause. That is, if it manages to exist—I mean the country itself! But that’s another story. So, coming back, is there any good in writing about them, the talibans? After all, my babbling about them would just add on to the number of those articles published every minute. I see you nod in agreement... good choice… so I’ll stop right here. No purpose after all. However, since I have already wasted some time here; taking out my inner frustration about them, I would like to proceed for a few more lines. At this point I should tell you; the music I had been listening to for quite sometime has already reduced to something more like noise, and my day which started off pretty well has pulled me down as it growing darker here, so I guess no more harm can be done. The worse is already here! Anyways, so there is a question that’s irritating me. If anyone could explain it to me or just explain it to themselves! The question is that if our day of dying is written by God; like they say it is, and if we are to leave everything on God, then why is that He, our God, has chosen an average life span of 90 years for people living is Japan, and just about 40 years of life for people living in Afghanistan? Why so much… errm, should I say, inequality?
Yes, now you are seeing it right; indeed there is something tremendously wrong in our perception. What we are making out of this very best of religions is definitely not what it stipulates. We have surely messed it up, or should I say, they, the interpreters have messed it up?

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.... The normal”

2009-04-21T00:38:00.003+06:00

‘Don’t you sometimes think you are not…umm… all normal?’ she questioned slightly hesitating. I unleashed an agreeing grin, because I knew I was not normal in that very moment. I was happy; after all, for once in many days I was being myself; which is anything but normal. It came as a surprise to myself as well, for how comfortable I felt in her company-- contrasting a great deal with my conventional self which is pretty uncomfortable with people I don’t get to meet often. That’s one reason I hate public gatherings, weddings and places where I am required to meet or communicate with people in order to please them or please myself. They are right when they say ‘everything considered, work is less boring than amusing ones self!' It puts you in that pressure situation where you try hard and sometimes too hard to fit in, that you make a fool out of yourself. Generally, people do like fools, so in a way you have succeeded at your attempt of fitting in! Nobody likes to be left out anyway, I wouldn’t like it too. So here you see I am in a state of confusion. But I am not going to reach at a final conclusion to place myself into the confined periphery of a small word like ‘unsociable’ because I am not one! I do just fine at gatherings as any other sociable person would do. I see I have confused you, so let’s give you a word to live with, just for now; so call me ‘moody’— but don’t settle yourself with this word, as I assure you, it’s something greater than mere mood swings.

So we were talking about normality which if you ask me superficially, is lack of passion, enthusiasm, and eagerness. Normal people are bound by the laws of sanity, and for myself, I would like to be free in a world which is constantly trying to limit ones freedom from every possible angle. So much that our conscious mind doesn’t even realize it. Being normal it self is restricting our individuality in order to fulfill societal expectations of ourselves. Everywhere, every single place we go, our minds are dressed with the idea of being accepted. We want to be accepted so we kill ourselves, kill our identities and are reduced to the idea of being normal, likeable people. If Darwin’s theory of evolution is to be true, then I can safely say that our minds, due to the lack of its individualistic use, have lost its special ingredient. It has become so ‘used to’ of working with the presumed in-built commands that it is reduced to a deal where it has lost the unique ingredient with which it was furnished previously. But that’s only if the theory of evolution is true, so relax you guys!

So, Am I advocating here that being normal is bad and being weird, defiant, and strange is good? Am I saying that conforming to societal values which bind us to the laws of morality is bad? And sharing other people’s line of thoughts and making them laugh at social gatherings is absurdly humiliating ones own self? No, I am not advocating any of that. All I am saying is to not waste your lives taking yourselves as normal people, because that will take you nowhere. Discover yourself and the first step in doing so is to have the courage to expose your ‘not-normal’ self to at least yourself, if not others.

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” – Oscar Wild

“She laughs at my dreams, but I dream about her laughter.”

2009-04-19T19:51:00.009+06:00

‘Dreams’… we all have them! It acts as a driving force which gives us reason enough to look forward and start a new day. Dreams can’t be just random fantasies which lay there, in the back of your mind and you pull it out every once in a while. You need to closely dichotomize the two of them. Fanaticizing is more like a shot in the air. If it reaches the target- good enough, and if it doesn’t, in that case, your fantasy either fades away or you find a new one. But dreams are different. Fulfillments of dreams mean hitting the bull’s eye not by chance but by sincerely working out your way towards the objective. It needs courage, persistence and a God-like passion for your dreams to materialize. Make sure about passion and the rest two will join you in the way.

“Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you.” Oprah Winfrey

Three years from now, sitting with a bunch of friends under the roof of a much loved institution I spoke out about one of my dreams which then; being so impossible to turn into reality, was practically laughed off on my face. I didn’t mind though, because I was aware of the impossibilities… but I still headed towards it, because that was all I had to ask. I didn’t want anything else... it was just that...impossible but irreplaceable too. I believe that an action separated from its cause is not only useless but also meaningless, and my every action had its root in the cause; which was her. What I am advocating here is not chasing impossibilities, but knowing that you are passionate enough to take your dreams forward on your own, which means to fail a million times and to look into the eyes of rejection and aim to try again not because you are persistent, and irritatingly selfish about your dreams, but because your whole life is about this! Yes, I know what I am saying here, I am prioritizing passion over persistence.

‘Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.’-Anonymous

Knowing her was the major premise of my dream which had many offsprings with time. I got to know her, and then one after another my dreams associated with the offsprings of the mother dream started to turn into reality. All this wasn't as easy as it may sound now, but if anyone wants my word here then I’d say passion, persistence, patience and honest devotion are the key elements which if stirred together, with all your heart, will surely turn your dreams into reality.

"If the human mind was simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it."

2009-02-01T21:17:00.005+05:00

I have at last come to understand myself this far, that I can’t understand myself! It’s a complex phenomenon, not many people can straight away categorize themselves into the small cocoon of an adjective or two which refers to what they are and what they aren’t. The idea is, there is always an involvement of time and place in whatever we think we are. For e.g. You may say you like blue, of all the colors and that’s it, this is the only color you like the most. Your friends or family put it down in their diaries that okay she likes blue to the most so I’ll gift her a blue jacket on her next birthday, and thus a blue jacket is what you receive. But at that very point you realize that you really don’t like it as much! Reasons could be endless, but for the purpose of understating lets pick a few, like the following.

1. You hate the fact that you are so limited. (Everything you are getting from all the friends/family is blue in color)

2. You do like blue but unconsciously, deep down in your heart, you want people to add more colors to your life.

3. You like blue just as much as you like all the colors, but you associated with just blue particularly because you like the value and the personality characteristics associated with the color blue, and so for people to judge and think of you in that way, you decided to incline your absolute likings with it (may be unconscious attempt) for e.g. Your declaring blue as a favorite would make people think of u as a tom boy, or a person with cool and calm personality?!?

The point is, we are all in the process of knowing ourselves and discovering each day; the constant attribute of our personalities that is ‘change’. As a child I couldn’t really get what was the matter with me. I liked colors, I liked nature and other softer side of the things but I had a tom-boy tag attached to me, so I found it hard to tell people; oh! I do like doing the girly stuff just as all the girls. This was because that very label of being thought of as a tom-boy was more venerated by me than looking pretty or going shopping. May be because men were thought to be carrying more prestige than women! so I transformed my personality and inclined it more towards being manly (all unconsciously, all at a young, playful age when you see gender biased-ness but do not register or understand it). All this resulted in making me someone, which I cant say now that it made me someone which I wasn’t, because may me back then this was what I was and now I decide to change it, and just looking for a reason to blame? :-)

Yes, now everyone must have gotten how complex a human being is! so the conclusion is that we are not just one person, not in just one particular phase of life, let alone the entire period of existence! we are multiple sided, diverse, and subject to change. We all have many personalities with in us. Tom boy today? May be a shy girl tomorrow ;-) or how about an integration of the both; subject to time and occasion? ;-)

Lets see if this helps.. DAMN!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-22T20:37:00.002+05:00

Its making me furious now! Some sort of confusion fused in the middle of my brain by various external agents I cant even verify and neither can get it out of mind huh! How cool is that? When you are busy in your hustle bustle routine, you fear the loss of opportunities, and when you are free as a bird– you are so occupied being bored or confused that you fail to get things straight. Even the most simplistic ones, honestly!

Why is there always some sort of opportunity cost at stake, I wonder! But the point is that this is not the point at the moment. The point is why cant things work out! There is always a someone behind the scene waiting to pull you down. For e.g. you go to the receptionist to take an appointment for the doc and she gives you those impolite looks saying; sorry all dates till the next month are already booked. or may be when you open up Microsoft word to type out how miserable you feel and suddenly the light goes off. The later happens to me all the time, honestly! (Even today!)

The twinge isn’t why does “a-something” always have to fall short, the twinge is that some people do have their ways to get things done. They would just open their mouth and its done! They’d enter the door and the receptionist would give them the smile of her life and offer them to meet the doc just that very day and they’ll always open up Microsoft word and write their feelings down without the electricity going off signifying sudden booboos on their face! I don’t mean to highlight favoritism, bureaucracy or people with hi-fi spoons in their mouths, these people are as usual as I and you are, just common people- yet they have something about them, they don’t ever get to hear words such as No or later and shit!

P.S.: I am not a suspense writer or anything, I am not even qualifying as a writer but I should unveil the truth at this moment, which is, all that I wrote above was surely in my brain, yet not what I intended to write, or what bothers me. The problem isn’t even who gets their way and who lingers around like a looser. This may be just a piece of the jigsaw puzzle, but not the jigsaw puzzle itself.

Decoding the encrypted script of life

2008-12-10T21:03:00.003+05:00

Are u sometimes caught in a situation where you think u need to stop and reconsider? Or is it just me who has entered this state where I feel a need to rethink and reprioritize things that are controlling my life. Despite the wants, I should focus more on what’s needed of me and by me. And lets stop here because I know Its not making too much sense and that’s exactly what the problem is, My problem doesn’t make sense when I think about it, but this shouldn’t mean that the problem doesn’t exist. What I want is what I get yet I don’t get what I want. Whoa complex! If only I could express it any better!

Anyway problem aside, life is good. I am saying this because I have winter vacations lol, so I can live it up with lots of reading, writing, painting, music, movies and annoying friends and family :-) Apart from that, I have my eyes on a massive happening, which if occurs in the near future, will change my life. Yes its a life changing happening that I am waiting for and people who are thinking of me getting married or something, I assure you guys its more exciting than a marriage planning or getting into a relation or something. Its something MASSIVE and trust me If this happening would not occur or something, or in case it lets me down or the other way round than I will ofcourse live and move on with whatever is left of me, but that will be just another breath wasted, because I need this happening to occur.. I AM DESPERATE ABOUT IT! Its moving out of a country okay, don’t think very wild u people lol anyway so now that Ive disclosed it, I would want everyone to pray for me. And now I know I sound a little looser lol but you cant help, this is me ;-) –Cheers to life!

“Hope, like the gleaming taper's light, adorns and cheers our way; and still, as darker grows the night, emits a brighter ray.”

Actions lie louder than words!

2008-11-09T11:03:00.007+05:00

If one may ask me regarding the basic and the foremost right of every individual born in a society, which shall be prearranged irrespective of race, color, gender or ethnicity, than I would refer everyone’s attention to education. The object of education is to prepare the young to educate themselves throughout their lives, and if we as a nation do not cater to the providence of this essential right to everyone, than it is but obvious that we are not just ruining the present of our society but also devastating the future of those deprived individuals and the public at large. If we value independence, if we are disturbed by the growing conformity of knowledge, of values, of attitudes, which our present system induces, then we may wish to set up conditions of learning which make for uniqueness, for self-direction, and for self-initiated learning.

Understanding the value of this need to be catered, our practicum teacher Mrs. Rashida Valika (practiccum course director & student advisor of SZABIST university) planned out a guideline for us, the students of SZABIST university, to work for educating the underprivileged children of Pakistan. It came to us as a realization that it’s a chance for us to make a difference and not only bring a favorable change in the lives of the underprivileged children, but also it’s a minute contribution towards paying back to our country in the form of our service.

In order to start from somewhere, we chose Zindagi Trust (Sultanabad Campus) as our spectrum of service where our main focus was to guide and be mentors of the preexisting teachers of the respective institution. It is a known fact that the mediocre teacher tells, The good teacher explains, The superior teacher demonstrates, but The great teacher inspires and for that matter it was indeed necessary to enrich the teachers mind with this very concept that the teachers teach more by what they are than by what they say. This is the most essential reason why our course director Mrs Valika identified this area to catered by forming a group of teacher mentors, of which I was a part.

It was a great experience working with the teachers and for the teacher of Zindagi Trust. We covered every possible aspect by which the teachers could understand that if a child can't learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn. And the idea didn’t disappoint us. We could see possible changes after every little step we took to take this understanding forward. From creativity and leadership to teachers personality and motivation, everything was addressed to the teachers at Zindagi Trust. Also Stress Management, Positivism, Class room & Behavior Management , Diversification and identification of the areas of change for themselves were also delivered and grasped with much value and consideration.

Bearing in mind this great experience with the people of Zindagi Trust I would like to assure to every individual of Pakistan who is willing to serve his/her country and community by contributing their time and service, that this is a closely knitted network and one would find a lot of support by media, NGO’s and their communities to take their spirits forward in order to serve the people of their country and make the world a better place. All you and I need to do is, take an action!

Is change possible?

2008-11-04T17:18:00.005+05:00

Today I'd be sharing with all the readers of this blog, a very interesting article, written by Batool Aqil, a friend of mine. Batool is a Bachelors Student of Social Sciences & Economics at SZABIST university,Pakistan. This article is indeed a message to every Pakistani that today’s Youth is not just aware of their country’s problems and the system deficiencies, but is also actively participating in making their country a better place.

Is change possible?

On 23rd October, 2008 we were given a lecture by Mr Imran Sherwani (a well-known journalist in Pakistan) on “Is change possible”. It was a very interesting lecture and made us think over on what Mr Sherwani said. He said that society can be changed only when people are willing to change themselves and work collectively as a group. He even told us various incidents about how people from different parts of Pakistan (people from Okara and Dadu) worked together in solving their problems and bought a change in the society.

Therefore I, Batool Aqil a student of Bachelors in Social Sciences and Economics at SZABIST believe that “change is possible”. I believe that if we want to change the society in which we are living we first need to change ourselves. We should not consider ourselves as leaders but we should work as co-organizers with the people in order to bring a change in the society, for which networking is very important. In order to save our nation from the crisis it is facing people need to be united and should organize themselves, otherwise it will be very difficult to bring a positive change in a segmented society.

As a “Teacher Mentor” in a Government Girl’s School in Pakistan (which is a part of a course of Practicum being taught by Maam Rashida Valika, who is also a student advisor at SZABIST), I aim to educate my students on acquiring both primary and secondary education. I believe that it is very important for girls to acquire education as they will be future mothers and if mothers are educated so the whole generation is educated. Education tells man/woman how to make effective decisions. Without education, man/woman is as though in a closed room and with education he/she finds himself in a room with all its windows open towards outside world. An educated society could deal with problems more effectively and resolve its issues together.

When I am teaching the students I aim to bring out the best in them, by enhancing their communication skills, improving their learning abilities and make them better citizens.

After working for two months in the school I can proudly say that I have contributed towards a change not on a very large scale but enough to make an impact on the lives of the individuals in my class. My hard work paid off when I saw that after teaching eight parts of speech of English language the students actually grasped them and started writing in English without making grammatical mistakes. My work towards the betterment of the society will be complete when even one of these students grows up to be a successful and well educated individual.

Therefore, I completely agree with Mr Sherwani that change is possible if each and every individual makes a contribution towards the betterment of the society.

Rise, fall and rise again!

2008-07-13T15:37:00.006+06:00

The long awaited holidays of 2 and a half months, which I had been looking forward to since last 2 years, finally arrived my doorstep in the mid of may, and by now more than half of these blessed days are spent doing loads of new things I always thought of doing. I lived the dream of my being able to paint, I worked as an internee and gained loads of experience, I read the most loveable of the books through which I could venture upon an imaginative journey and most of all, I exposed a fair amount of new paths for myself, which I never ever thought I could do it on my own. Vacations have shown me my strengths, things which I can do, I have discovered who rests inside my skin.. And it was a pleasure meeting myself.

Work is fun. The feeling of achieving the tasks and watching the outputs of your long working hours is an extremely pleasant feeling, and more agreeable it is, when you are praised for your good work :-) Besides the best part about 9 to 6 life is the location of the place I Intern at. All the windows open sea-wards. A view too soothing to heal all the worldly abrasions, a scene too serene to overlook all about the practicalities, deals and ordeal. It’s great there, from the 15th floor of a huge building, that view appears nothing less than a piece of heaven, any young heart would admire.

One thing vacations really evoke is the scarceness I meet at the end of every road. I am no saint after all, my mother was too great to be filled in by anything I do to fill in the emptiness I feel, so yes I do feel I am on the edge of breaking down, but then I am my mamas child, wont break this easy! :-)

I hope you dance...

2008-06-08T23:31:00.005+06:00

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out Reconsider
Give the heavens above More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

My latest composition.. from the bottom of my heart

2008-05-27T21:33:00.003+05:00

Bemoan! Bemoan! O fellow!

you've lost paradise in a billow!

and love that you seeked longaevus,

has gone with the wind, o callow,

Now behold the shrewish world!

and stifle within thyself!

for fate has choosen thee,

to remain in the deepest wallow

Bemoan! Bemoan! O fellow!

If you look back and sigh… you are just the USUAL!

2008-05-24T22:30:00.003+05:00

Looking back at the same day a year back would sure prove out to be very sad because I’ve lost one of the most important figure head of my life and hence the direction and guidance as for where to head is blur and unfriendly but the silver lining is that ‘its still there!’ At this point if I stop and stare the easiest thing to do is give in, weep, and surrender! The best part is the world will neither slaughter you nor categorize as a coward because well this is reason enough to give in! This is reason enough to feel rapped by the eyes of strangers after all I’ve lost my mother, my love, my guiding star! This is reason enough people! Stop and rethink if you believe I don’t make sense!

Once someone told me it’s not the easy sailing that will make you what you wish to be. Now there are 2 ways either quit wishing to become a wiser person or learn sailing through the stormy weather. I chose the latter tht moment and I don’t consider going back on my words or thoughts hence sticking to my early thoughts! I don’t want sympathy neither do I want to sail easy. The true test of character is now, today, this moment! And I am ready to face the challenges, face the world, and face the obstacles.

If you think life has to resist change as you and I do it or intend to do it at various intervals – than keep dreaming because life wouldn’t follow your set paths. Today or tomorrow change will bump into each one of us. It bumped into me now and I am welcoming it whole heartedly because it can get hard on me if I try resisting! Understand, accept, move on, and don’t stop! This is all you want… all you need... And all that will matter some day… one day!

“Poetry is thoughts that breathe, and words that burn.”

2008-03-01T15:10:00.002+05:00

I started composing poetry at the age of 15 without actually knowing that I’m ‘composing’ poetry. At that time it was an over powering emotion which wanted to come out and hence for me it just seemed to be a placement of thoughts and emotions in the attire words because I didn’t have to think much to compose lines, it just happened itself. Somewhere deep down inside me, someone or something use to do all thought process and the processed thought automatically use to come out of my mind in a flow, shaping it self in the form of poetry. Even I was amazed on myself, it’s so miraculous.

“There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle and other is as though everything is a miracle”

If one asks me, I strongly believe that, poetry itself chooses the soul in which it desires to reside, & not the vise versa. As a matter of fact, poetry is given birth within the very sub-conscious of a persons mind. I believe every person who possesses the poetic tools and resources, is eligible to create his own poetic creations. Nevertheless observation says, not all the souls are able to do so. There could be several reasons for this however one generally observed reason is that people don’t successfully cross the psychological barrier (between their thoughts and the outward world) in order to elevate their sub consciously grown passions to find the attire of words. This reason follows a number of reasons as well. For instance, this barrier could be because of personal factors such as low self esteem, inferiority complex, in-clarity of ones own passion with in their selves, possessiveness of ones ardor, fear of recognizing the passion or may be the want of not recognizing the passion. Similarly environment also offers some traits which lead to cause this barrier b/t a person’s thoughts/desires/passion created in their sub consciously furnished world and their real outer external world.

“Problems do not go away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit.”

The people who successfully manage to bypass the barriers are commonly entitled as poets in our world though the idea of this post is to notify all the eligible souls that poetry is far above the idea of being called as poets. If you hold; a soul which is befriends with your body, a heart that is at the right place, a mind that thinks it thinks (self-belief), an inner bug which senses all kinds of feelings for you and most importantly ‘passion’ for simply anything, anyone, anybody; then my dear reader cherish the feeling you’ve managed to stir up in you belly right now because you are that very person we’ve been talking about through out J

“Feel passion, feel pain. Feel the ingredients of the rain”

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”

2008-02-27T21:37:00.006+05:00

The odd jobs doing which I spend every day presently includes:

Taking Driving Lessons

Reading Harry Potter series (lately the 3rd one)

Practicing self learnt cookery

Monitoring the maid

Studying for hourlies and Making Assignments

Checking emails, Using Face book, Researching, and communicating

Playing with and admiring university cats

Taking care of Wanda and Nemo (my fishes)

Feeling taken as granted

Visiting Non Governmental Organization (compulsory part of my ‘community service’ course)

“Enemy-occupied territory is what the world is.”

2008-01-01T14:38:00.000+05:00

I'm back! Back to my lonesome journal! But would that matter to even a god damn wall of my blog? I don’t think so & truly I don’t even care! I’m just back for writing. Returned ashore from a long dreadful journey to nowhere as a changed person. I had a precious belonging along when I started the journey of my life but unfortunately, lost that in between, and this is what constrained me to return! ‘A journey to life’; started with much love and affection; ended up in such a drastic manner! But what love am I talking about?
Feelings, emotions, thinking about someone, sharing moments, giving love, happiness joy, care…. what crap! ‘Sheer waste of time and energy’ as they say it!

Do I sound a little pissed off? I aint’t sorry if I do! As I just don’t care!
I don’t give a damn to anything in the world at present because I have nothing to lose.
I really mean it I have nothing to lose. My mother passed away! The only most precious thing any human being can have on this planet earth but I lost it! And with it I lost everything they call love, care, emotions, happiness, and the spirit of living!

"Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message.”

2007-08-13T12:28:00.000+05:00

August has always been a very agreeable month for me. I personally feel this month as one that is mine, however this feeling is definitely not because of the fact that I was born in this very month. I don’t know but there is something (unidentified) about this month which appeals me. Anyways, this time as well, this month is heading with good grace and I hope it continues the same movements. Following are the happenings of this month that occurred so far.

2nd August 2007:

Went to college (former one) after a long time, and was excessively amazed to do so because there I would meet (after uncountable days) the-lady-who-inspired-me to breathe in a different way. I had a physics practical that day for which I was suppose to head there, however being very indifferent to the cause, I was damn excited. Wrote her a letter (the thing via which we communicated the entire 1 year) and wrapped all those farewell gifts I bought home the night before. To my surprise-Soon my excitement ended and the morning beams scattered quickly all over the place. I couldn’t sleep all night, don’t know if it was because of the excitement or what ever. Anyways, reached college on time, gave the practical exam (It went good as well) though the fact remains that the external was one hell of a person. Very loyal to his profession I must say .lol. Anyways, I left for home as soon as my practical ended, and on my way home I never gave a sigh to even a flower that passed by. So you guys must conclude that my day went fine.
But what happened about all the excitement I bored there in my heart?
Lol. The person about whom I was excited never showed up at college. On asking the head of the department I got to know that she’ll never show up at this place again because she has been transferred to a newly made campus of our college!

7th August 2007:

This was the first time ever in my life that I was supposed to take a lecture inside an institution entitled as Shaheed Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto’s Institute of Science and Technology (SZABIST) for the social sciences program. It is indeed a great achievement, don’t know if for you guys as well, but for myself- it is. The feeling that we’ve reached to a state of professional studies is very intense one and at the same time very demanding. Anyways let’s forget about commitments for now because 1st days are not for such talks ;-) lol
Ok so to cut it short ill label this experience as a good one (as yet). The ragging scene about which we all (juniors) are afraid of, was being carried away at a very minimum rate and at a maximum risk because of some serious issues that took place in the institute regarding the ragging plan of seniors that took place the other day. So we were like safe and secure ;-) Till today it has been only twice that I’ve gone to this newly admitted university of mine, because of the continuous rain sessions we are having here at Karachi. The roads are almost flooded with water and this time along with the lower ranked area’s the most posh areas such as Defence & Clifton are affected as well.

14TH August 2007:

Yeah I know it is still not decided that what comes my way this day until it arrives, but since these days all I am doing is counting the days left for 14th of august to arrive, let me tell you this one thing. This day is going to be hell important this time. I may be very very happy that day or I may be very very sad. Reasons and queries ill be disclosing but only after 14th of august. So for now I am posed with…Crossed Fingers… ;-)

P.S: Happy Independence day to all those Pakistani cheerer’s out there, though this post has not relation with Independence day except the figure 14th of august ;-)

STATUS - UPDATES!

2007-07-22T14:15:00.001+05:00

Dealings with college Check
Inter Exams Check
Blood Relations Check
University Admin Check
Weddings Check
Baby-sit Esha Check
Update Morning of my fate Check
Creating Poetry Blog Pending
Practical-s Pending
One imp phone call Pending
Cleaning room Pending
Shopping Pending

Today almost a year has passed since I last updated my blog.. And all this time I’ve been trying to get a hold on something we call “Time”...Silly isn’t it! Well getting a hold on something which never stops (or even waits...) is only possible if u run as fast as itself... Which again is a very silly thing to do? However the truth is that I’ve been acting this way due to some mundane reasons! After all we all have to struggle for a peaceful living –Isn’t it? Anyways.. “Better late than never” is the phrase which always saves me out ;-)
I want to inform all you buddies out there, that I AM BACK ON EARTH... & to your suprize.. Still Alive..! (Wink)

...Happy Birthday To Me...

2006-08-30T21:55:00.000+05:00

Last week the candle factory burned down...
Everyone just stood around and sang 'Happy Birthday'...

Many Many [mere] Happy Returns Of The Day To Me :-)

Dated =31-Aug-2006

Excitement Ends In Tears,While Boredom Ends In Fears!

2006-08-18T19:03:00.000+05:00

Vacations are just like husbands ..once you get it.. u want to get rid of it...and as soon as u do so.. you start feeling the feeling that there is nothing as comforting as a Shu-band !! [See how much an unarranged spell of hubbies resembles with SHOE ;)]
..I was kinda over excited about college re-opening..[As if it was neva going to open again l0lz] Basically I was excited to meet my source of motivation[who doesnt even know tht she is sumone's source of motivation lol]..And I made myself damn sure about the fake thought of mine that my motivation ..who is a professor..is going to teach me this year..!..I reached the college..Attended all the 5 classes and waited like anything to know who really is going to be my teacher this year…and then…when chemistry time arrived…MR. disappointment came along.. and then the collision : ..Bad feelings surrounded my heart like anything…I felt as if sumthing deep inside me was about to Break….Breaking… and finally Broke!
I never said a word during the class lecture of not-my-desired-teacher ..But later I showed my displeasure to my friends…who were with a feeling that nothing big has happened! Yeah they were true as well ..what’s so immense in not getting the desired teacher [so what if its my last year at college].. or what a big deal if few of our prayers ends in nothing or few of our wishes are not considered eligible enuf to get the status of “WISHES”.. But believe me… even after keeping such frustrated thoughts in my minds…I recalled unintentionally one of my childhood lessons which says ...

“…We are not the creator of ourselves.. God is…and He knows when to do and what to do.. Everything Happens for some good..either to ourselves,or to others .. sometimes a bad moment turns out to be the cause of a life time pleasure… and sometimes.. vise versa …”

.. A wave of ‘something-I-cannot-define’ passed my body…Sudden chill generated with in.. a line of sweat appeared on my upper lip.. so suddenly that I for a moment thought tht how God manages to make this process occur so damn quickly …..I questioned myself..What was that…How could I forget my childhood lessons.. How could I be such a disbeliever or even a doubter! How could I forget how much my past distress made me learn Bad is Good.. So is God.. and so is His decisions…Yes.. So Is His Decisions!!

"Happy 59th Birthday..Dear Pakistan"

2006-08-14T03:33:00.000+05:00

Ye watan tumhara hai,
Tum ho pasban is ke,
Ye chaman tumhara hai,
Tum ho naghma-khuaaN is ke,

Ye watan tumhara hai,
Tum ho pasban is ke.

Iss chaman ke phoolon par,
Rang -o- aab tum se hai,
Iss zameen ka har zar'ra,
Aftaaab tum se hai,
Ye fiza tumharee hai,
behr-o-bar tumharey hain,
kehkeshan ke ye jaley,
rehguzar tumharey hain.

ye watan tumhara hai,
tum ho pasban is ke.

Iss zameen kee mitti main,
khoon hai shaheedon ka,
arz-e-pak markaz hai,
qaum kee umeedon ka,
nazam-o-zabt ko apna,
meer-e- karwan jano,
waqt ke andhron mein,
apna qaaf pehchanno.

ye watan tumhara hai,
tum ho pasban is ke.

ye zameen muqaddas hai,
maan ke pyar kee soorat,
iss chaman mein tum sab ho,
barq-o-bar kee soorat,
dekhna gawana mut,
dolat-e-yaqeen logon,
ye watan amanat hai,
aur tum ameN logon.

ye watan tumhara hai,
tum ho pasban is ke.

meer-e-karwan ham thay,
rooh-e-karwan tum ho,
ham to sirf unwaN thay,
asl dastan tum ho,
nafraton ke darwazey
inn pe band hee rakhna,
iss watan ke parcham ko,
sar baland hee rakhna,

ye watan tumhara hai,
tum ho pasban is ke
ye chaman tumhara hai,
tum ho naghma-khwan is ke

Wishing Every Pakistani A Very Very Happy Independece Day!! :-)

Pakistan..Zindabaad!!
Quaid-e-Azaam Pa'indabad!!

“I have never known any distress that an hour's reading did not relieve.”

2006-08-05T20:32:00.001+05:00

Reading Novels had never been an Important thing in my life ..before last year..
I was basically a once in a blue moon reader ..
I use to read only when all the other options were closed for me..!
May be because I never considered my interest on choosing a book! Infact..I use to read those books which were roaming in my house...probably others choice!
so particularly I never tried reading my own choice...therefore I lacked interest in them...But since last year holidays were turning out to be kinda boring for me..therefore I decided to purchase some of them.. purely of my own interest.. But, even then I was sure about the fact that I’ll finish them in a year or so..B’coz a really non regular reader I was.. But well..things dint turned out to be the way I thought..I bought home Sophies World ..(and others along with it..but I started from this one).
It is a book which generates in you, all kind of philosophical thoughts...I still remember the first lesson of my life.. which I learned on my own.. was through this book...n that was ..

Happiness Doesn’t rests in materialistic things..[Infact its not a thing]
Its not in living in a luxurious house with servants all around u ...But it is, in feeling at ease , even in a non luxurious house ..
It is not happiness when u speak in a cheerful tone , sitting in an air-conditioned space...In fact the true happiness is cheering and feeling at peace ,without even a fan .. Taking whatever nature offers is happiness....because this is the only bliss which no one can snatch it from you.. Not even bad days.. Not even worse circumstances!Initially I used to consider these wise thoughts as 'Kitabi Batain'…but then I realized that truth surely inhabits in them!

Well then…after reading this book…I started ‘Reading’ like it was my childhood passion.. lol..and believe me.. It helps me in so many ways…Sometimes a trouble skips my mind while reading and sometimes trouble makers ;) And what I’ve observed so far is that..

Not only Time…but Reading is also a great big healer!

“A child reminds us that playtime is an essential part of our daily routine.”

2006-07-27T21:41:00.000+05:00

A baby's one thing
the whole world adores,
And the best part of all this one is yours!

A baby is sunshine & moonbeams & more.
Brightening your world as never before.

July has always been a month of celebration for our family!
3 july is my elder sisters birthday,17th july is my elder sisters wedding anniversary,19th july is cute lil twin sisters birthday and finally 20th july is my one & only mothers birthday …But…These celebrations were not enough..therefore God gave me a niece today i.e 27th july 2006! Man you wont believe the happiness with which my heart is jumping now…the joy that have filled my heart cannot be defined!
Thank you soooooo soooooo much my dear sister ! This is all because of you that am surrounded with such unbearable happiness!
Besides…it was a sentimental situation today in my house..My mom crying..( I duno why)..My dad trying not to cry ..neither he was…but I felt something deep in his eyes!
My brother…well leave him..he was busy in his play station but my little twiny sister’s damn..they were like.. “A New Baby” ..Yaaaiyeee Lolz…And I…damn…I was out of my mind ,the time I heard this..my eyes wide open and my ears sticked on the phone while dad was talking to Jiij and mom was crying like anything..I was like Okay! A new baby is in our family now..a news of happiness is now in our house and a time of party has began..then for wht on earth my mum is crying like Hellll!
I dint have to wait for long to get my answere! As soon as my dad kept the phone back on its place..i got to know that since my sister had already passed her due date..therefore the doctors suggested for an operation! Their first baby is not born normally..It has happened by an operation! This is what was irritating my mums mind..But then..the thought of a normal baby satisfied her! She was happy that the baby girl was a healthy & normal daughter of her daughter ! :D

Congratulations my dearer jiij and dearest sister ;-)
I wish you guys all the very best for ur and ur baby girls future !
I actually am so happy that no words are coming in my mind…Believe me..It’s a priceless gift that God have given me…Here’s a great big hugggggie from me to all three of you! :))

But..I really miss you guys sooo sooo much :-( [Why aint you ppl here, why cant I see my 1 day old niece rHhahaight now, Why cant I see your and jiij’s happiness when at first u guys saw ur baby.. Why cant I hear the cry’s…Tell me..Why aint you here : -( ]

Congratulations once again dear sister and jij :)

"What is sport to the cat is death to the mouse"

2006-07-19T02:18:00.000+05:00

Zinedine Zidane!
A soccer player whom I never knew before this world cup... and a player whom I will never forget because of this world cup..! You might think me as a Nut or so for not knowing him ..but it’s kinda true. I was never into soccer at all..Though my dad has always been one of the best player of his team, though my brother attended his first international soccer match at the age of 8,though my dad won our family’s largest trophy (which caused him a really bad foot injury..),I have never been interested in it..or may be I never thought of being interested in it. But well..Now I think..this is the best sport of all.. It was my first experience watching soccer world cup.. and I found it…Gaa Gaa Gaa Great ! Simply amazing Sport ..every minute important ..every move essential and most of all..its fast..its never really boring watching soccer.. isn’t it!
Ok.. so this French man.. commonly known as zizu.. is now the hottest and most demanded news on every sports channel..Every sports website..and wht-so-ever! Am afraid.. very soon my brother is gonna bring his new t-shirt ..which will have zizu’s stunning header printed on it lolz!
I don’t really know ..and for sure nobody excluding Zidane and Marco materazzi knows what really was the matter! Was it zidane who lacked the sports man qualities or was it Macro materazzi ..who have said something really really hurting to him!But what ever the case was and is.. believe me guys.. We (public) will never come to know the truth..all we’ll hear is new story every day…so why waiting for the mystery to be solved..Why not just enjoy the good part of the mystery ..which is ..The Header ! ;)

Here’s a game..which am sure everybody is gonna enjoy…all u have to do is..move your mouse…click in the left of it ..and hit hard on the chest of Marco materazzi..as our zizu did ;) Lets see..who reaches the higest score…Njoy!!

"Realize-Realism "

2006-07-12T16:10:00.001+05:00

This post demands a whole lotta thing from me ..
*According to the latest news in sports world..this post should be regarding that breath-taking World Cup final between Italy and France which was held on Sunday the 10th.
*According to my current idle and ‘at rest’ status ..this post should be regarding all the holiday masti which am enjoying these days.
*According to my sister's present state..this post should be regarding expected women's.
*According to one of my friend's current situation...this post must be offering some thought provoking messages which would enlighten his mind and would give him some peace of mind.
*According to my love and involvement in poetry this one should be dedicated to Late Sir Nasir kazmi who passed a couple of days before.

But..and loads of butts Lolz..well I am not going to do injustice anyways..so this post of mine…is not gona include any of the above mentioned topics.. b’coz if I will include any one of the above ones..then it would not be fair with the other ones…as the priority of all is Equal.. No higher .. No lowers… No favourisum…No special treatments.. ;) lol
so a completely different and extraordinary “Realization” post is on your ways! ;)

“Men can starve from a lack of self-realization as much as they can from a lack of bread.”

This one is from my sister’s Notepad which I found just today ..and as no rights were reserved over there…therefore…copyright business is gona rock :D

Enjoy everybody ;)

To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the
Olympics.

To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.

Happy Birthday Dear Sis :)

2006-07-03T22:02:00.001+05:00

Hey Dear Sis,

I was trying to control myself.. and hide my way of thinking as much as I can…which you know I have done and wont be quitting this habit…excluding on some events like this.

Today on your Birthday, I really feel bad, as you aren’t around me…
I cannot bake a cake … I cannot Sing a song… I cannot make u feel bad by irritating you on this day…I cannot give you horrible gifts like potatoes wrapped in a gift paper…neither I can make a card for you.. all because you are kinda out of my range.
But anyways.. even after so many things have gone with a single person.. what makes me glad is that you are happy ..and this is what counts the most in my life (you believe it or not).

….A part from all this missing stuff .. I have few things to let you know.…

1. I never wished u to be gone forever and am gona feel bad for the rest of my life that we are no more going to live together in one house and view the colors of life together.

2. Though I always wanted a room undivided and completely mine, But since I have got one ,I’ve started sensing that ‘sharing is caring’.. and therefore the walls on my empty room seems like falling on me every single day.

3. I never liked u crying either because of me.. or because of anybody else.. but at times I’ve made u feel that I’ve been the happiest most person to see your tears.. But that surely was not true !

4. I now realize the presence of an elder sister.. who is a at times a friend.. a mother when required and most of all a free of cost guide ..who even enjoys working for free ;)

5. I know I was really terrible at times ..because of my bossy nature, cruel and ill behavior, brainless acts, and in all the step of trying to be your mother lol..but as I said before…That I will always be sorry for that. :p

6. I have identified that you are not interested in my space…or may be time doesn’t allows you participating in it.. but I dare tell u…this place tells a lot about my inner person ..so manage taking out sometime…or else you are gonna miss all the sorries which I am announcing as openly here as I use to hide it :p

May You Have A Wonderful Birthday Dear Sister.

This Post and this poem is purely dedicated to you on this extraordinary special day :)
Infact these flowers are for you aswell :D
But before getting to the poem…I must let u knw..tht this is not an ordinary post…I am dedicating a very vital post to you…as in this post I have completed my Half centaury :)
So u must be delighted haan ;) lolz

Mujhay Ghar Yaad Aata Hai…!

simaT kar kis liye nuqtaa nahiiN bantii zamiiN? kah do !
ye phailaa aasmaaN us vaqt kyuN dil ko lubhaataa thaa?
har ek samt ab anokhe log haiN aur un kii baateN haiN
ko’ii dil se phisal jaatii, ko’ii siine men chubh jaatii
inhiiN baatoN kii lahroN par bahaa jaataa hai ye bajraa !
jise saahil nahiiN miltaa
maiN jis ke saamne aauuN mujhe laazim hai halkii muskaraahaT
meN kaheN ye hoNT “tum ko jaanta huN”, dil kahe “kab jaanta huN maiN?”
inhii lahroN pe bahta huuN mujhe saahil nahiiN miltaa
simaT kar kis liye nuqtaa nahiiN bantii zamiiN, kah do!
vo kaisii muskuraahaT thii, bahan kii muskaraahaT thii,
meraa bhaaii bhii haNstaa thaa
vo haNstaa thaa, bahan hanstii hai, apne dil meN kahtii hai
ye kaisii baat bhaa’ii ne kahii, dekho vo ammaaN, aur abbaa ko hansii aayii
magar yuN vaqt bahtaa hai tamaasha ban gaya saahil
mujhe saahil nahiiN miltaa !
simaT kar kis liye nuqta nahiN bantii zamiiN kah do!
ye kaisa pher hai, taqdiir ka ye pher to shaayad nahiiN, lekin
ye phailaa aasmaaN us vaqt kyuN dil ko lubhaataa thaa?
hayaat-e-mukHtasar sab kii bahi jaati hai aur maiN bhi
har ek ko dekhta huN, muskuraata hai ke hansta hai
ko’ii haNstaa nazar aaye, ko’ii rotaa nazar aaye
maiN sab ko dekhta huN dekh kar Khaamosh rahtaa huN
mujhe saahil nahiiN miltaa !

Translation

I Remember Home
Why, I ask, does the earth not shrink to a point?
Why at first, did this wide sky lure the heart?
All around are strange people, strange words:
Some slide over the heart, others pierce it.
On these waving words flows the heart’s vessel,
Which finds no shore.
Whomever I meet I duly greet, smiling, but what lips affirm
In “I know you,” the heart denies with “I don’t.”
I move on those waves
And find no shore.
Why does this earth not shrink to a point?
What a smile, my sister’s smile, my brother laughing,
She delighting in his words,
Delighting in our parent’s laughter !
Yet time flows on, the shore a spectacle.
I find no shore.
Why does th earth not shrink to a point?
Perhaps this cycle lies outside of fate; why
Did this wide sky once lure the heart?
The brief life of all things flows on; and I
Watch each one, smiling, laughing,
Weeping.
Watching, I am silent.
I find no shore.

SeLf - TaGGeD !!

2006-06-25T23:19:00.000+05:00

I am thinking about... What is the purpose of life and when is it obtained ?!

I said... nothing that hurts

I want... to know myself better than I do now

I wish... to be contented

I miss... Missing people

I hear... everyday something new

I wonder... how fun is a sportsman's life

I regret... always due to my anger

I am ... nothing...but trying to be something

I dance... rarely

I sing ... When I am Happy

I cry... always On spilt milk

I make with my hands... Bands and bracelets

I write ... to know whats in my heart

I confuse ... right with wrong ..i.e to be or not to be

I need ... not to have a materialastic outlook of life

I should ... be happy and make others aswell

I start ... to experience

I finish.. to start again

10th June 06's Post ...

2006-06-24T00:48:00.000+05:00

Tenth June 2006..What a realief this day bought !I felt like I was free from some kinda prison ...really true prison lol..During my stay in tht Penitentiary..I often use to make a list of some tasks..which I've started implementing now..;)
That list is now atlast being revealed here ..which contains...almost all those works which were on wait ..till my escape from that labours colony l0lz

Task Number One :
Sleep,sleep and sleep till Gods reminds the family that the soul is still with the candidate ;)

Some praise the Lord for Light,
The living spark;
I thank God for the Night
The healing dark.

Task Number two :
Install the most awaited computer game,"THE SIMS" for which I was crazy when a child..i.e lately a year ago hehe ;) and now trying to keep pace with my childhood dayz l0lz

"We do not stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing."

Task Number three :
Start reading one of the bestsellers of U.S "THE DA VINCI CODE"..which i guess most of u have read already :P [ This post is published so damn late tht i finished this book and started another one i.e "Angels and Demons" by the same writer

"Books open your mind, broaden your mind, and strengthen you as nothing else can"

Task Number Four :
Clean my room..especailly the books side...it looks..eehhh ;)

“There's something about a clean house, a clean room. It does wonders for the psyche.”

Task Number Five :
Put all those greaty stuffz like songs ..pictures n all in my treasurer..i.e cell phone l0lz waiting for the data transferer ..yet again ;)

Task Number Six :
Start teaching my younger sisters..as this is a command from my daddy..so have to obey :P [ It have been now 20 days that I, a mere student possesses a teachers title...though an undergraduate one Lolz ]

“Those that know, do. Those that understand, teach.”

Task Number Seven :
Update "The Morning Of my Fate" and spend every bit with my Pee-see [pc] ;) which I am doing sincerly ..aint I :D

"God updates Fate -- people update records"

Task Number Eight :
Practice writing poetry..which had been stopped lately due to exams as u knw...but the previous post marks the exsistance of this activity :)

“Poetry is a mirror which makes beautiful that which is distorted.”

Task Number Nine :
Publish a new blog...which would be dedicated to my Poetry..I knw this is gona take some time...but I'll surely try and manage..Howz the idea by the way :D

"You will not find poetry anywhere unless you bring some of it with you.”

Task Number Ten :
I use to be alive at someother activities like..band making...painting..sketching..so i need to take out time for it aswell

"The quality of life is determined by its activities."

In their veins must be Bl00d — But in mine is... negativity!

2006-06-16T01:35:00.002+05:00

Yet again am restless...
Yet again am lone...
With the profile all sinful...
Yet agian am drowned !

Am I really suppose to write something when my mind says...I should simply die or just disappear somewhere.
I don’t know what the hack is required from an ordinary human being to exsist fully. Which key leads to the door of relief..What deeds are required to get out of the daily isolation this surrounding.. is providing.When is the mere word happiness gonna enter this ordinary man's premises..
So dark is the shadow of man..and so is his mind.
It desperately needs some light..for God sake... Get some brains please..!
What are the rights of a human being, Am I suppose to mention this to someone an elderly professionalized man, Infact to some nuts who hold the victory of youths..
Disappointed.!
Okay… let me not drag you guys into what am freakily trying to tell, but one thing is for sure guys..and that is..am not really in a good mood...am really really not in a good mood...But anyway.. Why am I mentioning this here ! Or even anywhere..!
This thing is suppose to be in my personal diary.. not in a public place ..isn’t it so guys !

Anyways.. I am out again with some new thoughts which dared to borned in my mind and hence now appearing here on my space..
The comments I assure you would be like.. I really am a negative thinker...lol ..And thats what I am..and I cannot CHANGE !
Yes I know ..thats bad at my side..I should change my bad parts...or at least try to control..
but unfortunately..even when am trying…everything really is slipping out of my hands..Just like these worlds unintentionally are slipping out of my tongue. I could have wish my hand to become a rigid stuff… if the slipping possession was water...
I could have wished my hand to become a softer stuff if the slipping gist was my life. But what should I turn my hand into..When the slipping stuff is simply everything..
Yes Simply E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G! Sound interesting ..isn’t it :]

Here goes my lil creation,

Zist na kamiyab 'aur dil bhi,
Hum howay benakab 'aur dil bhi,

Sham hi say ubal rahay hain jee,
rou rahay hain kharab 'aur dil bhi,

Tang hain tishnagi say ay yarab!
lab tou mangain sarab'aur dil bhi,

Ab kay jo ho cuka hai jee ka ziyan,
sab hi dain gay hisab 'aur dil bhi !

P.S : [ The 10th of june's post is missing..will be here soon ]

Here I am lost in the ashes of time..!

2006-05-17T19:16:00.001+05:00

The show must go on ..!
Yes ,the show must go on ..!
Though man himself is gone...
But, the show must go on..!

Lolz...wht do u say guys ;)..

I have been and will be remain backstage for around few more weeks, Its not that I have nothing to write or I am lacking interest to blog, its just that I have kinda long.. long ..long list ready on which I must write and am dieing to do so...but..and lots of buts..l0lz...The cloud of my papers which was far away from me since long has now reached right on top of my head and thus...am strained to remain anti-pc these days.
I had a Gap of a day ,and moreover my family was not home today to observe me practicing this anti pc thingee lol ..so I thought to wake my blog buddies who never bugged to buzz hehe :P
I will be back here real soon..and tht wuld be most probably 6th of June…the day when am gona be Free Free and Free!! ..YooHooOo.. :D
So Please buddies, do remember me in your prayers,I really need your best wishes..and dua’s :)
Till thn..let me load and operate this disk ;)

“It is better to understand little than to misunderstand a lot.”

2006-04-28T21:18:00.001+05:00

Misunderstanding surely creates a fuss sometimes...and here is a great big piece out of it ;)

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

"Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it”

2006-04-25T22:22:00.000+05:00

The beauty of their face, lies in their heart..
So clear the inner phase of their heart is ..
so shinny and glowing are the elements with which they are composed..
so fine are their thoughts and precptions..
so noble and motivating is their character..
so stricking is their plead..
Still it all demands something...
Yes it all demands something ..
an eye of a loving one !

Following is my poetic attempt..which has tried to reveal the above fact..

Such beauty and such charm !
Oh wht a serene calm !
Though lingering in their arm..
Still must is visions balm!

Isint it true guys..
The true beauty ,character,personality ..it all is embosed when there is someone to imprint ...when there is someone to adore..when there is someone who has a vision of visualizing the beauty of beautifuls...!

Hence this quote justifies it all..

"Beauty lies in the eye of beholder"

Happy Birthday Dear Blog.. :))

2006-04-06T13:02:00.000+05:00

Several times..from several people...in several occassions..I've heard this phrase
"Time flies like an arrow" ..But am really going through its true meaning these days.
Work load is really on my nerves while am running out of time. Going to have my college exams in less then a week or so.Have to practice a lot of things while learning is gonna be at peak. Nothing else then studies are in my mind these days.
But as it is a human reflex I believe..tht whenever one tries to study ...initially ..when concentration has not been called...one bears in mind all the past things...like ..when I start reading my physics notesor even chemistry..Lolz..I always remember what happened in class today..or whats the menu at home today...or what did my frnd said me etc etc :D So as to keep the trend going ;)...I was put in notice while reading that I’ve completed one whole year at blogspot.. Isint it unbelievable.! I mean..it seems that it was just yesterday when I started writing here...and now... I’ve completed one whole year..!
I've learnt truly a lot of things from this world. Made so many new frnds here… cherished good days with them...came to know lot what I never knew...and for this I would thank all the blog mates...who read my thoughts ..appreciated them...and made me jot my thoughts even more faultlessly. Am serious guys..if u weren’t here to value.. am sure I would have never completed a whole year! Thanks a ton guys :))
I was brought to blog world by one of my dearest friend whoz knwn as 'Dawn' in blogworld.she is a real champ kind of person I wuld really say.Shes the person whoz hand is on every good thing I do.Dunno wht good deed i've done for which am gifted a friend like her.To me ur life has been an inspiration. Thanks a zillion dawn ji :))
Moreover… If there had been no blog kinda thing.. I wuld never have been able to find u guys and cherish these memorable times of life...therefore my heartily Thanks to blogspot aswell :)

On this First birthday of "THE MORNING OF MY FATE..."
am dedicating this poem to my dear blog and all those friends who gave their precious time to my thoughts and valued them :)

Happiness has been your gift to me
all these years of melody and pain,
pleasure, hardship, wanton rhapsody,
pure delight and hard, wind-driven rain.
years do not add up to love and glory:
all things rest on non-things far more true.
no note is so sustained throughout our story;
nothing but your love, and mine for you.
in our lives must always be confusion:
very little lost in Time is clear.
even so, the whirlwind's an illusion
regarding the few things we hold most dear.
so you have chosen me, and in that choice
alone I find my refuge and my voice.
reality is made by our own will:
you made my world and hold me in it still.